Most people who know me also know how highly I think of my mother. To me she is and has always been a super mom and a constant source of strength. She is like this inner voice that tells me that I can do something when I don't personally think I can.
But this post is not about her. This post is about another mother who is equally a part of my life, by marriage.
I remember the first time I had met her, as a very apprehensive bride to be. It was an awkward meeting for both of us I presume. For me because, it is quite nerve wrecking to meet someone who could potentially have a lot of impact on the rest of your life and for her because a) I am sure she had an internal pressure to like me since I was going to be a part of her family and b) she was not the primary decision maker for that decision. She asked me quite a few questions but I am sure that wasn't enough to even scratch the surface of the apprehensions that she must have had.
She asked me questions like - Do you believe in god ? Will you continue to travel after marriage ? etc. She also emphasized on the fact that theirs was a conservative family, very traditional and very religious. My first impression of her was mostly a stereotype.
I have to say that after knowing her for close to 8 years now, I have since then understood her much better and have thrown the stereotype out of the window.
She is above and beyond what any conventional mother-in-law stereotype may look like. She is an amazing wife, an amazing mother and a very nice mother in law. Culturally we are not very expressive, but if we were, we could probably communicate affection much better than what we do today.
There are times when I have really wondered how to get closer to her considering how different we are. But I also understand and appreciate her uniqueness in how different she is and admire qualities that I cannot even dream to have like perseverance, selflessness and patience.
She is quite self made in her own ways considering that she almost wasn't allowed to continue studies beyond 10th standard. She persevered and her family then let her study further, even if it was a graduate degree by correspondence. But I appreciate the perseverance and the will to study. Many women from my generation, even with all the provisions had zero will to. Even though she entered the typical matrimony, replete with a conservative mother in law, travelling husband and 3 sons in tow - she was the brain and the backbone of the family. She has consistently taken the front seat in family matters whether it was finances or difficult decisions, but never made it apparent. She has always been happy letting her husband take the front stage formally or informally.
There is so much about her that I do not understand and there is a lot more that i do not relate to. For instance, I cannot (for that matter my whole generation) understand how someone can be that selfless at all times with almost zero demands and needs. She tells me that sacrifice and adjustments were ingrained in women of that generation and it was just a part of their psychological fabric.
See, I don't get that. I can't imagine living like that and more importantly still spread happiness despite that.
But she does it. She does that and a lot more. She is a pillar of strength not just for our family but for anyone who seeks support and opinions and believe me there are many. She is downright practical and unconditionally supportive when it comes to her family.
Yesterday, out of sheer curiosity, a colleague asked me - Do you get along with your mother in law. I wonder about this phrase "get along" and it troubles me. How can I not love and admire a woman who gave me a very good man? As a mother myself, I understand and appreciate the power we have to shape up someone and if that opportunity is to shape up the next generation Male, it is all the more imperative to instill good values and respect for women in particular.
For all the personal dynamics of her own household and family which included a conservative and patriarchal setup, she has brought up 3 amazing men, who at this point are making 3 women extremely happy. There are so many things in their family that irks me even today and most have to do with the whole who is expected to do what. There is an unsaid expectation, which has now become a norm, for her to do things that she does on a daily basis. Whether it is constantly cooking or thinking about what to cook for the next meal, whether it is the fact that even till date she will not eat until she has personally served each person in the house, she will run and fetch all day even if she has any ailments and more than anything, the fact that she takes her job very seriously of keeping her husband happy.
But she has not let any of that percolate to me so needless to say I basically sit around grumpily watching her do things that i just cannot understand and cannot do anything about.
If you know me and my mother, you may know that I am a closet feminist. I find it very hard to relate to women who are basically victims of their own circumstances. But after so many years, I have understood that my mother in law is not a victim. She is a very very strong lady who has her own ways of getting what she would like. And I admire that about her.
There have been many times in my own life where I have expected her to be a certain way or react a certain way and I have to say that she has been anything but that.
When we were recently married and lived in separate cities for close to 2 and half years, I almost expected her to suggest doing something about it like moving back to quitting. She never did that. She may not have liked the situation but she never once intruded into my aspirations personal or professional.
When I decided to send my 15 month old baby to the day care to be able to return to work full time, I could see the "Why" written all over her expression. i could see that she did not understand or relate to my decision. But she supported me and said all the right things to make me feel better.
And I appreciate that more than anything else because I really don't like to be told what to do. Most frictions occur in families because people think and believe that its perfectly alright to tell someone how they should live their lives and what they should be doing. We don't realize that by giving our family a little space we encourage them to come to us if they need suggestions or opinions. But she knows that very well. She may still say what she thinks and of course after so many years we both take the liberty to freely express our opinions. But there is no condition or expectation attached to it. E..g I may tell her not to exert herself so much but I am almost certain she will.. Or she will tell me to do something for a festival while knowing very well that I may not. :)
But that is OK. We learn to pick our battles as well. Each difference of opinion is not worth arguing over and that makes all the difference to a relationship.
When we pick on mundane everyday stuff, we forget to look at bigger things that do matter. For me the biggest thing that I appreciate about her is that fact that she has raised amazing sons. We talk about changing menfolk around the world, but we don't realize that changing men starts with bringing a change in their mothers. Mothers shape their children. They are the ones who teach them by examples and instill values in them that go a long way. If you find a man who is disrespectful of his wife, look at the mother and believe me you will find a link there.
My husband, is a wonderful man. He is everything that I am not and more. He is definitely the better half and when I see his mother, I know how and why.
When I think about what I want to teach Viv, I have a long list and most of all about respecting everyone and their choices in life. Sometimes, I find myself lacking that kind of acceptance but I want to set the right example. Which is why I will look up to her to be able to do that.
When she visits us, many a times I take my dinner upstairs so that Mom and Son can have that half hour-45 mins of alone time. That according to me, is a very special time for a very special bond.. and I know that now :) And I don't think anyone should intrude in that space....
She may not be my mom or be like my mom, but she is no lesser and I am sure if I give her the space and an opportunity to come through for me, she will....So, here is a belated Happy Mother's Day for a special Mother in my life :)
