In an attempt to take a hard look at what we signed up for as parents and what actually was dolled out, I ruminate on what I would tell prospective parents. When we were thinking about a baby, there were mostly negative comments from close friends honestly speaking. Except for family and parents in specific who would not stop talking about how we really really ought to have a kid (for all the wrong reasons mind you !) since we were not getting any younger, you need to start a family blah blah. Most of our close friends whose kids had crossed over to the toddler stages made caustic comments that included the very drastic 'Do not have kids!!'.
Now its plain to see how we lounged about between extremes here in terms of support and feedback.
But I believe that we are now in a position to be realistic about it when we talk to other couples. Be able to burst bubbles as the case maybe and provide encouragement where applicable. But this post is mostly about us and our personal experience.
We never thought we would turn out to be one of those people who would rather stay in than go out - But attribute that to either age or the kid, we have turned out that way. On weekends we cross a long checklist before we plan an outing ranging from - Kid friendly place ? Do they have kids? Will there be anything for him to eat ? Can Mom take care of him ? Can we lock him in and go ? (ok the last one was a joke!). But by the time we are done with the checklist, we rarely dare to step out.
We never thought friends and company that we get along so well with, will drop us like hot potato. But that happens. There is nothing like a baby to de-clutter your life. You will know who your friends are when you have kids coz they are the only ones who will stick around and/or offer help or at the very least call you over ! The useless ones will vanish or worse not call you over and then apologize saying 'Ohhh we didn't think you could make it !'. If and when you hear that from any friend for the first time, loose their number immediately coz its not worth it.
I never thought I would turn into someone who could not carry a cam for an outing or a trip. But believe me, with hundred other things that you need to pack in that insanely big bag, that you now need to carry with a kid, camera is the last thing on the mind. The priorities shift towards diapers, wet wipes, snack boxes, toy cars, flash cards, crayons, water etc etc.. And on top of lugging heavy luggage that would put a mule to shame, I know pretty well that Viv after exactly 30 mins would ask me to carry him because "legs hurting!". So yeah, unless you have the luxury of having a pet mule who will walk along you or travel with you, I would rather pack for contingency than hobby including salve for imaginary "hurting".
There is something about connecting with your spouse over the li'l one even if he or she is doing something silly. There is nothing like a kid to make you feel like a family unit and there is nothing that compares to the connection that you will share as parents... When my son is doing something incredible or incredibly stupid, R and I look at each other and that look and connection is something that I will not and can never replace with anything else. (Although, more often than not, the 'look' really is saying - You know this comes from your side of the family right!)
We never though that weeks could go by without any action (if you know what I mean), but believe me it does and will happen. There will be valid excuses and ridiculous ones, all of which will come in between and take priority.
There are times when you make major plans for an evening replete with Wine and Music and the li'l one would just refuse to sleep by 9. After an hour and a half of story telling and singing lullabies, we have looked at each other not knowing how to say that its not gonna happen tonight. We can see it in each other's eyes but we wait for the other person to say "how about we do this tom" ? :)
Of Course the tomm takes some more weeks to arrive and by the time it arrives, we have been selfish enough to "Cough Syrup" the sweet li'l one who is bouncing off the walls, to sleep at 9 ! Do not judge us, we are pathetic parents in general...
It is very difficult to imagine how a small person can take over your whole life but it does happen. Even for someone like me who is /has been so self centered my whole life. But there is a point in a mom's life when she will be the last in her own priority list. At many points I have tried telling myself that I will not let that happen but it does and it takes part acceptance and part consciously changing things around (as applicable) to have some sanity..But there is nothing like a kid to rationalize any situation that you are in and put things in perspective. Its crazy but when you are alone with a kid the whole day, all you want to do is run away even for a few hours. But when I do manage to sneak out for even 3 hours, I find myself cutting that short to 2 and rush back home coz I miss the munchkin so much !
You can become a sensitized person almost overnight when you have a kid. When I think back on those time when I looked at other parents/mom and shook my head and said "when I have a kid, I will never.....", I wish I could (or someone did) give myself a quick kick in the backside coz the same words come back to haunt you. So, now I am never judgemental about moms whose kids are wailing in the candy isle of the supermarket, the mom whose kids throw a tantrum and roll on the floor in a mall, or even the ones whose kids create a racket at restaurants. Because, plain and simple - rules of the so called civilized world does not apply to kids. Now, when I see a mom struggling with her crying infant during a flight, I offer help...coz god knows she needs it !
The equation that you have with your parents in your adult life varies with each phase of life that you are in and it mainly varies for you as a child. As a parent, their equation or sentiment actually has and will always remain the same. When you become a parent is when you actually realize most of what your mom has done for you.
I have never been or even imagined myself as close as I am today with my mom and that is only because this whole motherhood now puts us together on a single platform where we seemingly talk the same language. Who would have thought that I would drive Mom mad by being so paranoid everytime I had to let Viv go out with someone else. Now, my chilled out Mom calls me the "crazy mom" and tells me that I will get over it just like she did !
