Bangalore re-visited

(Completely forgot to post this in my own blog site :) It has been on DSS for a while tho')

Despite my ever true love of bangalore, i find myself questioning as to why do people still want to move to this city? I mean, i get all that funda about a cool and happening city (with all due respects to apna dilli an mumbai) but how come simple day to day things don’t seem to matter to these people? I can agree if left with no choice like a job here or relocation, but i wonder how many of these newbies even thought of an alternative city!
I sound extremely nasty I know, but it infuriates me to no extent seeing this lovely city going to dogs like this.. What used to be a calm and peaceful pentioner’s paradise is a city threatening to burst at its seams right now. Every possible road is jammed with people rushing in everywhich direction. There are problems at all levels. Whether its the city’s infrastructure, which, let’s face it, was never meant to accomodate 1 billion as it claims to now! Whether its the city’s meandering theme which is isolating the regional/local citizens in one corner where they really get confused about their belonging. Its all this and more.
I don’t think the development authority even for a second ever considered that the development if at all, has to keep pace with the every growing need of the city and not meeting their own manifested deadlines!Roads, if at all they can be called that, are so choked that people have actually stopped driving if they can afford to do so. I had recently been to one of my office locations slightly outside the city and was quite shocked to see so many cars with chauffers/drivers. Something like that was quite unheard of unless of course you drive like a Merc or something. But now, it actually makes sense to people because they can at least land at work peacefully, sans the irritation and road rage which btw has become a very common observation around here.
Every single body complains about the situation (your truly included) but I wonder how many of us really tell somebody, you know what, its not really a very good city for living right now. Or maybe they do! And maybe despite that people continue pouring in.
I know, I really sound quite anti-social, but its a truth which we have to face sooner or later. This city wil soon be deemed unfit for living. Right now, bangalore is the 2nd polluted city in India. There was a columnist who recently wrote that all there are these parents who educate their children about the ill-effects of smoking but do not realize that your child standing at even a signal outside their school in bangalore is inhaling much more dangerous and potent fumes.
I love the city, believe me, I do. Didn’t quite when we moved in 10 years ago, but now there is nowhere I would rather call home. But I have consciously decided to dissuade any new people, if they are talking of moving/buying property in this city. It can’t take it and sooner everybody realizes this, the better.

Phew! That felt good!

Writing in the rain..

Sounds extremely funny I know, but it may just come true in a matter of minutes. Raining cats and dogs here and our office ceiling (false ceiling at that) threatening to give away anytime! Water is already pouring in thru AC ducts and roof sprinkler outlets :-))
Its funny when you think about it, my friends on IM asking me why i am still sitting here :p But it gives me a tingle of adventure nonetheless, a spark of something different in my otherwise mundane life ;-)

grumble grumble

mutter mutter... baaaahh ...

Lethargy at its peak and absolutely not even an ounce of energy. Is it the relentless banaglore summer? Is it the joblessness? Is it the fact that I am taking each day of this long distance marriage as it comes and slowly getting irked by having to make long distance calls for every small thing? Is it because i love litchies and they are bloody 120 bucks a kilo!!!? Is it because there are no good movies? Is it because there is not even 1 ml of anything remotely resembling creative juices flowing anywhere in my body? Is it because of all the useless weight I am putting on eating stuff I dont need to and do it just because? Is it because I am booooooooored!!!

:-)
Ha, that actually felt good..

wait....., oh no !..

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....................

Conversations with myself...

The mind is a funny thing.. Ok let me re-phrase that. The human mind is a very funny thing. It progresses with time, it grows with age, it matures with experiences.. But it still longs for old times.. For good or bad.. or sad or happy times. Its sad that it can even crave for time that were not so good. It latches on to that one memory or for that matter even a couple an says-'no , i long for that! Can you give me that?' And I say 'No'. I cannot. No matter how long ago it was, no matter how gray, no matter how sunny, no mattter how young, no mattter what. No, I cannot give you that.
There is reason I am and you are the way you are. That reason still holds good. If it was meant to be circa 1999, it would be.
But it is not. Things change, people change. Lives change...

Maybe I am being melodramatic.. shut up rads! Look ahead.. look at the life you chose, look at the bright side..

Looking....

But.. can i get somethings from back then ? Ok, maybe just one thing then ? Can i ? Maybe a friend frm old days, maybe that spunk that was there ? Maybe a spark ? Can i ?

No, you cannot and you know that ..Why do you need any of those ? You were doing good even otherwise rt ? You chose to let them go dear. You cannot make the same decisions again in life.

Yes, I know. I am happy right now.. at least for most parts.. But I miss some of those.. there are times when i feel alone and I dont have what i had back then..

You have so much more..You have everything that you really wanted!!

Ya, I do.. but...

No.. You cannot do this. Life is as you make it to be. You always knew you could always choose your path and life and you are doing good in fact..

Ya, I guess I am.. Given everything ..I am happy.. Just these fractional moments when heart longs for certain things..There are things which will always always mean a lot.. time spent with your girlfriends, that one cell phone number you can call rain or shine, that spunk which makes you do these things you did years and years ago, evenings where you can just be yourself and let loose. .All that and some more..

oh shut up Rads!

sing along!

Anybody heard of the song 'jab nahin aaye the tum'? Posted the lyrics a few days back here :-)
Its just sooooo stuck in my head!

I haven't had a song stuck for this long ever! I really don't know why, its not really like a masterpiece or anything nor is catchy enough.

But what it is, is exteremly endearing with really sweet lyrics.. There are 2 versions of the song for the uninitiated. One actually sung by Kareena Kapoor and one by Kavitha Krish. Out of the 2 suprisingly i prefer the one by kareena. Its really sweet, sung decently and actually gives you the feeling of a young girl just singing to herself. The mood created is perfect.
And I will definitely give her the credit for singing it quite decently. I hadn't realized that it was a difficult song till i started humming it myself! The song itself is not that diff and if a diff singer had sung it, probabably would have made a hell of a lot of a difference. But the sheer reason that instead you have to follow how kareena has sung it is compelling enough. You can sense this a lot more when you listen to the other version by kavitha. There are places where even her voice is sounding stretchy to keep up with the song and keeping it as close to the original version by kareena.
But all in all, sheer pleasure to listen to this song :-) Definitely recommended!

bicker bicker..

Last week hubby and I talked about my ex after a long time. Well, its not like he was ever a fav topic of convo or anything but we had our usual exes convo long back. Its been ages since then and then suddenly his name came up. I really can't remember why or how. It just did. But it didn't feel that awkward to talk about him. In fact I felt ok telling hubby about his new gf and how things had been. Ok, maybe feeling ok was a bit of exaggeration, lets just say it was relatively easier than before. We have always maintained an open view of my previous relationship but its not always easy to talk about certain things isn't it?

Coping with an ex is never an easy job. Esp if the relationship was complicated or spanning a few years. Things get murkier if it wasn't a summer fling or that teen romance. Unfortnately for me, it was a mix of just about all that. Some good times and some very bad times. Time when i realized I had grown up, times when I realized he was moving on. All very very complicated. There is still a lot of spite. Surpisingly so because its all seems so much like a life i no longer recognize anymore. But its very disconcerting to see myself swinging between the two extremes of indifference and spite. Unlike me in some ways but also a lot like me when you think deeply.
I was chatting with Mr ex. the other day and it was a very casual conversation, almost bordering on making a polite conversation and suddenly from somewhere was this statement which reeked of "Thats so typical of you". I got busy soon after that and let it slip but it got lodged somewhere in my head and disturbed me later when I was alone and musing.
A previous relationship especially when you don't want to have anything to do with the person can be shut deep down and forgotten. But there are things which you can't get away from. Something as inherent as spending a few years with somebody directly implies the person knows you for what you are and thats something you can't refute. It was someone you had spent time talking about hopes and dreams. Someone you grew up with over time. These are somethings you cannot run away from and I was trying to fight a losing battle over this.
I guess things might be easier if it was not nasty and both parties parting amicably. Sigh.. thats worse than wishful thinking, thats wishful thinking in past tense !!

Have i grown up since then ? yes.. have i become a better person since then? Yes... Am i better off now? More than ever. I am at a state happiest than ever before in my life. Did I do the right thing? Most definitely. That would have been the worst mistake of my life and I would not be married to the single most adorable person in the world!

I cannot even relate to what i felt in those days but yes, a part of me misses the person I was back then. Of course I cannot wish to be 22 again :-) But yeah, life has changed in more ways than one. Looking back I see someone different from this person I see in the mirror now a days. When I turn back, I see this girl full of life, hyperactive and extremely impulsive. Life was all about instant decisions and things done in the blink of an eye. Do I miss that? maybe, maybe not.. all those things make me a wiser person today. I am still impulsive but I do pause for a moment to take stock, something I never did in those days. But somewhere that hyperactive girl ready for anything at a moments notice is definitely gone. ..Maybe I am growing up, maybe its all a part of life and this is how its meant to be.
But why is there a vague sense of unsettling? Why is there so much spite? I don't know. Maybe time is the answer.
Maybe I have too much of it :p Maybe thats the problem right there!

Jab nahin aaye

Jab nahin aaye the tum
tab bhi mere saath the tum
dil mein dhadkan ki tarah, tan mein jeevan ki tarah
meri dharti mere mausam mere din raat the tum
jab nahin aaye the tum...

phool khilte the to aati thi tumhaari khushboo
har hasin shaam jagati thi tumhaara jadoo
aaine mein mere har din ki mulakaat the tum
dil mein dhadkan ki tarah, tan mein jeevan ki tarah
meri dharti mere mausam mere din raat the tum
jab nahin aaye the tum...

adhmundhi aankh mein sajta hua ek khwaab the tum
pehli barsaat mein bheega mahtaab the tum
hont mere the magar inki har ek baat the tum
dil mein dhadkan ki tarah, tan mein jeevan ki tarah
meri dharti mere mausam mere din raat the tum
jab nahin aaye the tum...

a small note

Hi Dear,

Its not often that you tell people how much they mean to you. But thats not right is it ? We don't need those special occasions, those crisis situations, those mid night calls to realize some people's significance in your life. But yes, life is sometimes too racy for your own good. Its too self absorbing and throws more things at you than you can probably grapple at one time. There are time I admit when you lose sight of things, even if they are closer to your heart than you can actually imagine.
You are one of those people in my lives. There are times when you need reminders, as much as i dislike to say that. Today it was an amalgamation of 2 things which just happened by chance. Reading 't'is tea-time folks' and almost at the same instant my real player picked up 'khamosh raat' in a random play :-)

It was a whirlwind of memories flashing before my eyes..Times of joy, times when new friends were made, times when as you said social bearing sent to wind, times when impromptu fun was the order of the day, times when having fun was a way of life, times of heartbreaks, times of stolen joys, times which brought people together for some reason, reasons which even today are beyond my realm of comprehension :-)

Looking back I can think of umpteen times when you probably needed someone but I was too busy. Too busy with work, too busy with hubby, too busy with other friends, too busy with about a hundred other things. For all this and more I apologize. I know you will probably never admit being lonely and needing a friend beside you. I know you like to pretend to be all in control an strong an all that jazz. But you know as well as I do that its all self preservation tactic. :-)

I know that you know deep down that you can just pick up the phone and call me day or night. But I also know that you will never do it. I know you will always think twice before asking me for my time now. I just want to tell you that the day I realize that i don't have time for you anymore is the day i give up on myself as a friend and i promise that will not happen!

As much as it pains to think that, we progress in life and we lose sight of so many things in life which are so important to us, there are things (thankgod for soft copies!) that gives us a small chance to regain/restore things. I am going to assume you don't mind me quoting something from 'tea time':

"You may pick up the phone, briefly wonder, and put the receiver down without calling: ‘She’s not alone anymore and may not be that eager to drop in to make Saturday lunch for us while I use the handy-cam on her’. We will soon prefer letting down ‘a fling of a wish’ in the interest of social stability.


Sometimes, I feel that it is not fair on the human mind to grapple with so much nostalgia. To handle so much pain. It is so much better to simply carry on without having to bother about the past. But what good is that, I wonder? What does it give us from life? Do we really long for simple peace and sanity or does the slightly-unpredictable excite us? Don’t we love the feeling of being swept off our feet into the clouds? An impulsive move that could take us places? It is for each one of us to decide, each one of us to figure what we really, truly want. For one must never forget – we only have one life to live.



But wherever life takes us hence, we all know that we have deliriously enjoyed these years which we have spent together. I am certain that deep in our hearts we will treasure these times for a long, long time - as times spent with friends and beyond, times where we discovered so much more of ourselves and life itself, times spent in togetherness and learning and love…



But they say that we should not put our arms around a memory and we must listen to them - we must move on."

Thanks KPB for everything you bring to my life just being there as one of my best-est friend :-)