Great Expectations

In an attempt to take a hard look at what we signed up for as parents and what actually was dolled out, I ruminate on what I would tell prospective parents. When we were thinking about a baby, there were mostly negative comments from close friends honestly speaking. Except for family and parents in specific who would not stop talking about how we really really ought to have a kid (for all the wrong reasons mind you !) since we were not getting any younger, you need to start a family blah blah. Most of our close friends whose kids had crossed over to the toddler stages made caustic comments that included the very drastic 'Do not have kids!!'. 

Now its plain to see how we lounged about between extremes here in terms of support and feedback. 

But I believe that we are now in a position to be realistic about it when we talk to other couples. Be able to burst bubbles as the case maybe and provide encouragement where applicable. But this post is mostly about us and our personal experience. 

We never thought we would turn out to be one of those people who would rather stay in than go out - But attribute that to either age or the kid, we have turned out that way. On weekends we cross a long checklist before we plan an outing ranging from - Kid friendly place ? Do they have kids? Will there be anything for him to eat ? Can Mom take care of him ? Can we lock him in and go ? (ok the last one was a joke!). But by the time we are done with the checklist, we rarely dare to step out.

We never thought friends and company that we get along so well with, will drop us like hot potato. But that happens. There is nothing like a baby to de-clutter your life. You will know who your friends are when you have kids coz they are the only ones who will stick around and/or offer help or at the very least call you over ! The useless ones will vanish or worse not call you over and then apologize saying 'Ohhh we didn't think you could make it !'. If and when you hear that from any friend for the first time, loose their number immediately coz its not worth it.

I never thought I would turn into someone who could not carry a cam for an outing or a trip. But believe me, with hundred other things that you need to pack in that insanely big bag, that you now need to carry with a kid, camera is the last thing on the mind. The priorities shift towards diapers, wet wipes, snack boxes, toy cars, flash cards, crayons, water etc etc.. And on top of lugging heavy luggage that would put a mule to shame, I know pretty well that Viv after exactly 30 mins would ask me to carry him because "legs hurting!". So yeah, unless you have the luxury of having a pet mule who will walk along you or travel with you, I would rather pack for contingency than hobby including salve for imaginary "hurting".

There is something about connecting with your spouse over the li'l one even if he or she is doing something silly. There is nothing like a kid to make you feel like a family unit and there is nothing that compares to the connection that you will share as parents... When my son is doing something incredible or incredibly stupid, R and I look at each other and that look and connection is something that I will not and can never replace with anything else.  (Although, more often than not, the 'look' really is saying - You know this comes from your side of the family right!)

We never though that weeks could go by without any action (if you know what I mean), but believe me it does and will happen. There will be valid excuses and ridiculous ones, all of which will come in between and take priority. 

There are times when you make major plans for an evening replete with Wine and Music and the li'l one would just refuse to sleep by 9. After an hour and a half of story telling and singing lullabies, we have looked at each other not knowing how to say that its not gonna happen tonight. We can see it in each other's eyes but we wait for the other person to say "how about we do this tom" ? :)

Of Course the tomm takes some more weeks to arrive and by the time it arrives, we have been selfish enough to "Cough Syrup" the sweet li'l one who is bouncing off the walls, to sleep at 9 ! Do not judge us, we are pathetic parents in general...

It is very difficult to imagine how a small person can take over your whole life but it does happen. Even for someone like me who is /has been so self centered my whole life. But there is a point in a mom's life when she will be the last in her own priority list. At many points I have tried telling myself that I will not let that happen but it does and it takes part acceptance and part consciously changing things around (as applicable) to have some sanity..But there is nothing like a kid to rationalize any situation that you are in and put things in perspective. Its crazy but when you are alone with a kid the whole day, all you want to do is run away even for a few hours. But when I do manage to sneak out for even 3 hours, I find myself cutting that short to 2 and rush back home coz I miss the munchkin so much !

You can become a sensitized person almost overnight when you have a kid. When I think back on those time when I looked at other parents/mom and shook my head and said "when I have a kid, I will never.....", I wish I could (or someone did) give myself a quick kick in the backside coz the same words come back to haunt you. So, now I am never judgemental about moms whose kids are wailing in the candy isle of the supermarket, the mom whose kids throw a tantrum and roll on the floor in a mall, or even the ones whose kids create a racket at restaurants. Because, plain and simple - rules of the so called civilized world does not apply to kids. Now, when I see a mom struggling with her crying infant during a flight, I offer help...coz god knows she needs it !

The equation that you have with your parents in your adult life varies with each phase of life that you are in and it mainly varies for you as a child. As a parent, their equation or sentiment actually has and will always remain the same. When you become a parent is when you actually realize most of what your mom has done for you. 

I have never been or even imagined myself as close as I am today with my mom and that is only because this whole motherhood now puts us together on a single platform where we seemingly talk the same language. Who would have thought that I would drive Mom mad by being so paranoid everytime I had to let Viv go out with someone else.  Now, my chilled out Mom calls me the "crazy mom" and tells me that I will get over it just like she did !

Happy Mother's Day

Most people who know me also know how highly I think of my mother. To me she is and has always been a super mom and a constant source of strength. She is like this inner voice that tells me that I can do something when I don't personally think I can. 

But this post is not about her. This post is about another mother who is equally a part of my life, by marriage. 

I remember the first time I had met her, as a very apprehensive bride to be. It was an awkward meeting for both of us I presume. For me because, it is quite nerve wrecking to meet someone who could potentially have a lot of impact on the rest of your life and for her because a) I am sure she had an internal pressure to like me since I was going to be a part of her family and b) she was not the primary decision maker for that decision. She asked me quite a few questions but I am sure that wasn't enough to even scratch the surface of the apprehensions that she must have had. 

She asked me questions like - Do you believe in god ? Will you continue to travel after marriage ? etc. She also emphasized on the fact that theirs was a conservative family, very traditional and very religious. My first impression of her was mostly a stereotype. 

I have to say that after knowing her for close to 8 years now, I have since then understood her much better and have thrown the stereotype out of the window. 

She is above and beyond what any conventional mother-in-law stereotype may look like. She is an amazing wife, an amazing mother and a very nice mother in law. Culturally we are not very expressive, but if we were, we could probably communicate affection much better than what we do today. 

There are times when I have really wondered how to get closer to her considering how different we are. But I also understand and appreciate her uniqueness in how different she is and admire qualities that I cannot even dream to have like perseverance, selflessness and patience.

She is quite self made in her own ways considering that she almost wasn't allowed to continue studies beyond 10th standard. She persevered and her family then let her study further, even if it was a graduate degree by correspondence. But I appreciate the perseverance and the will to study. Many women from my generation, even with all the provisions had zero will to. Even though she entered the typical matrimony, replete with a conservative mother in law, travelling husband and 3 sons in tow - she was the brain and the backbone of the family. She has consistently taken the front seat in family matters whether it was finances or difficult decisions, but never made it apparent. She has always been happy letting her husband take the front stage formally or informally.

There is so much about her that I do not understand and there is a lot more that i do not relate to. For instance, I cannot (for that matter my whole generation) understand how someone can be that selfless at all times with almost zero demands and needs. She tells me that sacrifice and adjustments were ingrained in women of that generation and it was just a part of their psychological fabric. 

See, I don't get that. I can't imagine living like that and more importantly still spread happiness despite that. 

But she does it. She does that and a lot more. She is a pillar of strength not just for our family but for anyone who seeks support and opinions and believe me there are many. She is downright practical and unconditionally supportive when it comes to her family.

Yesterday, out of sheer curiosity, a colleague asked me - Do you get along with your mother in law. I wonder about this phrase "get along" and it troubles me. How can I not love and admire a woman who gave me a very good man? As a mother myself, I understand and appreciate the power we have to shape up someone and if that opportunity is to shape up the next generation Male, it is all the more imperative to instill good values and respect for women in particular.

For all the personal dynamics of her own household and family which included a conservative and patriarchal setup, she has brought up 3 amazing men, who at this point are making 3 women extremely happy. There are so many things in their family that irks me even today and most have to do with the whole who is expected to do what. There is an unsaid expectation, which has now become a norm, for her to do things that she does on a daily basis. Whether it is constantly cooking or thinking about what to cook for the next meal, whether it is the fact that even till date she will not eat until she has personally served each person in the house, she will run and fetch all day even if she has any ailments and more than anything, the fact that she takes her job very seriously of keeping her husband happy.

But she has not let any of that percolate to me so needless to say I basically sit around grumpily watching her do things that i just cannot understand and cannot do anything about. 

If you know me and my mother, you may know that I am a closet feminist. I find it very hard to relate to women who are basically victims of their own circumstances. But after so many years, I have understood that my mother in law is not a victim. She is a very very strong lady who has her own ways of getting what she would like. And I admire that about her. 

There have been many times in my own life where I have expected her to be a certain way or react a certain way and I have to say that she has been anything but that. 

When we were recently married and lived in separate cities for close to 2 and half years, I almost expected her to suggest doing something about it like moving back to quitting. She never did that. She may not have liked the situation but she never once intruded into my aspirations personal or professional.

When I decided to send my 15 month old baby to the day care to be able to return to work full time, I could see the "Why" written all over her expression. i could see that she did not understand or relate to my decision. But she supported me and said all the right things to make me feel better. 

And I appreciate that more than anything else because I really don't like to be told what to do. Most frictions occur in families because people think and believe that its perfectly alright to tell someone how they should live their lives and what they should be doing. We don't realize that by giving our family a little space we encourage them to come to us if they need suggestions or opinions. But she knows that very well. She may still say what she thinks and of course after so many years we both take the liberty to freely express our opinions. But there is no condition or expectation attached to it. E..g I may tell her not to exert herself so much but I am almost certain she will.. Or she will tell me to do something for a festival while knowing very well that I may not. :)

But that is OK. We learn to pick our battles as well. Each difference of opinion is not worth arguing over and that makes all the difference to a relationship.

When we pick on mundane everyday stuff, we forget to look at bigger things that do matter. For me the biggest thing that I appreciate about her is that fact that she has raised amazing sons. We talk about changing menfolk around the world, but we don't realize that changing men starts with bringing a change in their mothers. Mothers shape their children. They are the ones who teach them by examples and instill values in them that go a long way. If you find a man who is disrespectful of his wife, look at the mother and believe me you will find a link there. 

My husband, is a wonderful man. He is everything that I am not and more. He is definitely the better half and when I see his mother, I know how and why.

When I think about what I want to teach Viv, I have a long list and most of all about respecting everyone and their choices in life. Sometimes, I find myself lacking that kind of acceptance but I want to set the right example. Which is why I will look up to her to be able to do that. 

When she visits us, many a times I take my dinner upstairs so that Mom and Son can have that half hour-45 mins of alone time. That according to me, is a very special time for a very special bond.. and I know that now :) And I don't think anyone should intrude in that space....

She may not be my mom or be like my mom, but she is no lesser and I am sure if I give her the space and an opportunity to come through for me, she will....So, here is a belated Happy Mother's Day for a special Mother in my life :)

Beverage dilemas

I had a crazy 5 minutes today looking at the kids nutrition isle. I had barely stopped at this isle at our local supermarket before. Vivaan has a staple of his milk based products that I buy for him usually, which is essentially Pediasure and Nido. That choice by itself shows a little bit of neurotic me, since I have not been able to figure out what exactly am I looking for in terms of pre-schooler nutrition. So I basically picked the top two where I saw the best nutrition information when this pre-schooler was a toddler, and I have stuck to them ( yes, I mix the two !). 

Now, that he has crossed the 2 year mark, I tend to stop and ponder at the kids nutrition isle and just goggle at the vast expanse that is this isle. Name any flavor and any combination of nutrients and you can find it here. Its mind boggling actually. The staples that we grew up on, Complan and Horlicks etc. have undergone a make-over with Complan Nutrigro and Horlicks Ninja ! They even make a "Lite" version with low sugar and all. Who would have thunk !!??

There is something with extra calcium for bones and some other for better memory or better brain growth. How the hell does one pick ? Do you actually chose which part of the body you would actually want to focus on for your kid ??? I am still grappling with this.. And don't get me started on the flavors that you can get. From Simple chocolate and Vanilla, now we have "Home style Badam kheer" and "Stawberry icecream" flavors. How is an average indian consumer supposed to choose ?

I had palpitations just looking at this isle, this is more complicated than my tax returns that i need to file by later this month. This isle made me wonder about things that I usually would not spend precious minutes over. I look at this one brand which said "with DHA for brain development", and I think to myself - "Pah ! We never had all that when we were kids, our brains turned out just fine"....Even before I could complete that sentence in my head, I saw this other mom pick up that particular malt beverage for her toddler and now I wondered - "Wait a minute, what if the rest of his generation is on high DHA malt beverage and only Vivaan is missing out on some mysterious brain development that his confused mother could not provide for him".

Do you see how messed up that is??

Then there was this store helper lady who very nicely, came up to me to ask if I needed assistance and I actually looked at her for guidance. I never thought I would see this day when a store helper would help me make my decisions ! Not to sound derogatory or anything and neither am I implying that they don't know their bit. Just that I have always thought of myself who knew exactly what I wanted or at the very least was capable of making my own decisions. Now all the bets are off !

I think she knew my confusion and had probably seen it in many mother's eyes before and slowly suggested that I go by a flavor that I thought my kid would like. Now, this sounds logical but was far from feasible and anyone who is a mother of a 2 year old will tell you so. 

So, I bravely did the next best thing. I made Vivaan stand in front of the isle and pick up the one that he wanted. For a second, he thought I was crazy and wanted to run back to the candy isle, till I told him that these boxes had candies inside them :P. Now Mr. Pre-schooler pondered for 2 seconds and picked up one each of about 7 of them. Obviously "Pick one" had not resonated sufficiently. I put away all of them and re-emphasized picking up a single one. He now picked one up and I was a happy soul again. 

When R heard the entire episode, he found it extremely funny to say the least. He kept saying that I would need to start drinking this in the morning and I kept telling him that it wasn't for me. This went on for a bit till it was milk time for Vivaan in the night and I proudly mixed a bottle of the new malt beverage. 

Vivaan took one sip and spat it out and needless to say that I am drinking a new malt beverage from today.....

Lessons by decades

My 20’s was spent in a smashing and swinging time and diametrically opposite to what my 30’s are. Nothing really compares to certain stuff in your twenties such as – skin, hair, fitness and last but not the least sheer guts ! But the thirties are not all morose and sullen as I am possibly making it out to be. To me, my thirties have all been about balance and stability. I have never felt as confident in myself as a person and individual as I have in my 30’s. Although, I am in the early to mid 30’s range I am almost certain of what this decade is going to entail J which is saying a lot considering how completely unpredictable my 20’s were !

So, a fitting post would be jot down what the decades have taught me so far.

Lessons from my 20’s:

1.       Never let go of an opportunity, you just never know how it could turn out

2.       Live big and live each moment, you really don’t know how sucky the next one could be

3.       No boy is ever worth losing your sanity and peace of mind over (ever!)

4.       Try everything at least once, even if just to form an opinion

5.       Your skin and hair is probably the best it will ever be, so revel in it !

6.       You will make the maximum friends in this decade ( which also means you must evaluate how many of them you actually want in your life for the next 25 odd years)

7.       Acting kiddish is very different from being one! (And believe me you will be judged constantly)

8.       Travel travel travel

9.       Don’t be frugal, be prudent

10.   Dream big but also aspire for smaller stuff that bring joy

11.   Your boss/mom/best friend may not understand you but that is no reason for you not to listen to them once in a while

12.   Learn a new skill, anything.

13.   Learn to be skin wise, it goes a long way.

14.   You need to be with someone who values and respects you for what you are. In short, you need to be cherished and more importantly you should be told about in once in a while

15.   If you don’t have a good feeling about it, don’t do it.

16.   You may find your cozy set of girl friends but it’s the guys in your life who will be that pillar of sanity and support when you need to figure it all out. A guys’ perspective may not solve your problem but will let you understand it in most cases.

17.   You will get over that breakup/heartbreak no matter how unending it may seem or how un mend-able your heart may feel. Give it time and sufficient healthy distractions and this too shall pass.

18.   Do not write friends off simply because they seem pre-occupied or too self consumed. They are either happily in their cocoon or too hurt internally not to reach out for whatever reasons. Give them their space and time and you will find that you can pick up just where  you left off when they come back. When they come back a) hold on to them since they did come back b) acknowledge the fact that your lives may have branched out differently and that is ok.

19.   Family usually takes a backseat in your 20’s due to the independence (financial and otherwise), while it maybe ok to close up on matters close to the heart, it is not ok to shut them off completely. Keeping daily mundane communication going goes a long way when you would need to come back to them groveling later on in life J

20.   Find someone who makes you laugh in the face of anything.

Lessons from my 30’s (so far):

1.       You will not have time for everything under the sun but that is ok

2.       Don’t sweat over the small stuff, life will go on and in the bigger scheme of life, smaller stuff rarely make a dent

3.       Aspire to be good at everything you do, but don’t beat yourself up if you have to slack off in a couple. You need to find a balance between what can be done and what level of perfection is acceptable to you.

4.       Try to make new friends, old friends tend to disappear or move apart

5.       If you are serious about your professional career, treat it seriously. Turning up for work does not qualify under being serious about your career.

6.       There will never be enough money for all the explicit and implicit needs in your life, the only way to make it available or last, is to plan and invest wisely. You don’t have to be a Financial whiz to save up some money each month and put it aside.

7.       If you find someone who loves and cares for you unconditionally, hold on to them and never let them go. Apart from your parents, that person is the only other person who will be around when everyone around you judges you.

8.       Make time for your friends, friendship like any other relationship works both ways and you need to invest time into it.

9.       If a  good friend does not want to talk to you about something but prefers someone else, take solace in the fact that they have an avenue to get it out of their system irrespective to the medium.

10.   30’s will be a checklist time, make peace with that fact. It will be the decade where you will want to check stuff off of your list and tend to compare your list vs someone else’s. Its normal to do that

11.   30’s can be testing to your relationship with your significant other, since your relationship will get tested with each milestone in your life, financial or personal. E.g. investments, new house, babies etc.

12.   Life will change after kids and sooner you accept that the better. It is not necessarily for the worst but you need to acknowledge that it will happen and a change is good. Life will normalize over a period of time and it needs to be a joint effort.

13.   Your friends will treat you differently when you have kids, it could be stereotyping or isolating. This is the time to find couples that you have more in common with if you don’t want to vegetate at home all weekends.

14.   No matter how much you spell it out, your single friends will not understand about complicated marital issues and friends without kids will not understand baby issues. Give it up already and move on !

15.   Baby banter and MIL bashing will not be entertained as normal conversation. If you do need to vent, find someone who has similar issues to rant about.

16.   Do not bring your home to work and do not bring work home.

17.   Draw a line between personal information that can be shared with co-workers.

18.   It is ok to make some acceptable compromises in your job if you have a fantastic boss, a peaceful day is more important than a few extra bucks in your bank account. Peace of mind can extend your life while money may not.

19.   If you find yourself saying more negative stuff than positive about your boss or your job, then it is seriously time to think of alternatives. Negativity festers till it vents itself out in unpredictable manner.

20.   If you have a problem with something, DO something about it.

21.   The best way to teach a child is by doing it yourself and setting an example. Kids learn faster by observation than listening.

22.   You can set your own rules for your child as long as they make sense to you.

23.   Do not let anybody make you feel inferior or inadequate.

24.   Gender inequality is not a myth but thankfully is slowly (very slowly) getting better. There will be people in all spheres of life who will pull you down because you are a woman, when they do that – Rise..

25.   No amount of education can compare to experience but education certainly gives you an edge. At the same time don’t let your experience get clouded by any education that you did not or could not have.

26.   Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can

27.   Always appreciate your loved ones and verbally so. It is never trivial to say Sorry’s and Thank You’s even to your child.

28.   Pick something that you are good at and be even better

29.   Never stop reading, lack of time is not even an excuse. The busiest and the most successful person out there has the same hours in a day as you. Make time for what is important

30.   Last but definitely not the least – Live and Let Live. Most political problems at home or office can be sorted out by letting people be.

Introspection

The idea of taking risks is almost an alien concept in an Indian context. We are basically brought up with the notion that you should work your ass of today so that your tomm can be secure. This is taken to such an extreme that, at some point (which will be in your late 40's), you look back and realize that, the much promised tommorrow never turned into a today, that can be lived and enjoyed.

For that matter, I think in general no one really talks about Living it up or enjoying your life. At least not in my family. Parents never tell their kids to live it up, go do what your hearts tell you. Its more about - do this now so that you can do that tommorrow.

We are socially hardwired to work hard and work self sacrificially. We work hard in school for grades, we take up subjects that have very little to do with any actual inclination you have ( I remember sticking to math because I was pretty ok in Math, which is a pathetic excuse to go on learning something), we go on and pick college courses that have very little application in real life and much less significance overall (Multimedia Programming or Multivariate Statistics!) and then we graduate with very little idea of what we want to do in life. We are constantly prodded by either family, parents, older cousins, friends or peers who always seem to know what we should be doing. We always seem to get the memo at the very end.

I did the same routine myself and there are so many times even in single day where I question myself and everything I have done so far in my life. I also wonder what could have been if we had spent some time in our teenage and adolescence introspecting what we want to do or what we have an aptitude for. I like the concept of experiential learning and gathering life experiences where possible that prevails in the western culture. I think it lets the kids dissociate themselves with pureplay academics and evaluate what they want to do for the rest of their lives.

And rest of their lives a big deal.