Navrathri

October is a joyous month full of festivities. It brings Navrathri and sometime, like this year, packs that and Diwali in it as well. Staying at home, maternal home that is, this whole week of Navrathri brought back so much of childhood memories. It was a weird sense of deja vu being around the whole family, with plenty of kids running around and all the festivities. It was weird in the sense that you see something that seems familiar just that you find that now you are no longer an active participant but also an observer really :) Anyways, more of that later.

Growing up in Delhi, the navrathri holidays are super fun for 2 reason - 1) Its the much needed respite from the 1st term exams that gets over in Sept 2) The winter just starts to peep in and the 2 week break is such a nice way to welcome the chilly incoming winter.

Navrathri is when the vacation kicks in first and the festivities much later. It could also be about the fact that its mostly the last 3 days that is of more eminence that any other days. But the only difference being that our north indian neighbors would do the puja every day of the festival and call girls over to break their fast (ok that didn't come out right! What I mean is that they fast everyday and in the evening, they do a puja and feed a couple of girls the prasad and only post which they can consume any food). Crazy no ! At least thats what we used to think those days, the concept that someone could starve themselves for the whole day during festivals when the first thing you should do is stuff your face was incomprehensible for us !

Navrathri is when cousins come together and have loads of fun.. Families get together to meet and make merry especially during Kolu season. My grandmother used to keep Kolu every single year and for some years my mother did too. Those were fun times, irrespective of whose house (grandparents house was always a stone's throw away from mine). Kolu is a hard core Tamil tradition and it always brings mixed feelings for the kids. There are happy things associated with it like the daily dose of sweets, the whole decorating and setting up bit etc. Then there are not so happy bits too, the whole wear traditional clothes coz 'mami's may come home and when someone does come over, their ever shrill voice that goes 'oru paatu paaden' etc ! I hated those bits I must say. I am not sure if that's just me or does every teenager or tween hate that as well, but I sure did hang around with a very morose expression.

Navrathri is also puja time when we do all kinds of pujas. Grandpa was always very particular about attendance and somehow despite that my brother used to escape. I guess a part of me did not escape because I didn't want to. I think it was nice to do these things while we could because now we hardly can even if we want to. I would sit through Ganesh Puja, Saraswati Puja, Ayuda puja and then Lakshmi puja. Saraswati puja is most fun because you need to keep your books near the god for full 3 days and cannot touch it till the puja is done. Even though there is really no reason you would have touched those books anyway, the concept always brought a lot of excitement :) After you are done though, grandpa insisted that we studied the same books for about 2 hours, which sucked big time !!

Ayuda Puja meant putting bindis on just about everything. The idea is to respect all the so called instruments in our life and take extra care of them that day e.g. Cars/ Bike/ Cycles/ blenders/ Fridge etc... We would walk around with haldi and kumkum that mom would give us in bowls and put colorful bindis on just about anything that was metallic !!

Vijaydashami also meant Ram Lila. In Delhi, that is just huge. We would plan for days ahead and buy tickets or plan on clothes that we would wear to go see Ram lila. If we were lucky, we would be taken to the Ram Lila maidan in Old Delhi, if not so lucky then the local Ram Lila in the nearest school playground. For those who don't know what that is, Ram Lila is like a carnival where there would be an enactment of Ramayan for 9 days culminating with the Ravan Vadh on Vijaydashami. The culmination is spectacular because there would be effigies of Ravan with all the 10 heads along with Ram and Sita. On the last day, the effigy of Ravan is burnt in a very grand way. I know it sounds like a grand act of arson :P But as a kid, its the ultimate fun ! The whole carnival atmosphere, buying silly things like paper swords or plastic Hanuman gadas, eating all kind of junk food and finally the fireworks ! Its worth waiting a whole year just for that....

Vijaydashami was also when my mom would drag me to my 'Paatu' teachers house (Carnatic teacher), make me fall on her feet and give her a tray full of god knows what! After a few years, i was a robot, used to just fall without any cues ! It would also mean a small paatu katcheri at my teachers house where she would make the students sing for the benefit of the parents and then give individual feedbacks on each one of them. The group singing was always funny for some reason and it would always end up in a giggling fit. Someone invariably would start with a whimper of a giggle and then before you know it the entire batch of about 12-15 girls would just start giggling. Despite the fact that it would happen every single year, my teacher was always very stoic about it. She used to keep a pen next to her and if she saw anyone with a hint of giggle or a bad note (shruthi/scale) for that matter, she would literally throw the pen at the poor soul...I think we have all had our share of pens being thrown at us and it didn't faze at a tiny bit :) Every year, she would also tell my mom that your daughter has a very nice voice but she is just not interested, if only she puts in some effort she can be wonderful... I think about that nostalgically even now because during all those years, I used to hate singing and was forced to learn. Now that I do like singing, I can't go back....

Back to the present, it has been a lovely week so far. Families getting together, people visiting every day, Kolu's in people's houses and temple visits. It has been a nice reminder of what could be had despite busy schedules and disparate lives.

Some things haven't changed - like my granny screaming at me for not taking a shower even at 11 in the morning and touching her 'prasadam' without taking a bath, my mom making me wear a bigger an bigger bindi coz whatever i wear is apparently just not visible enough !

Some things have - I can now sit and watch my younger cousins in their teens go thru the torture of 'Oru paatu paaden' and smile and it is somehow much more significantly important that Viv sits or at least watches all the puja and no one really cares if I even make an appearance near the god.

I watch the kids running around screaming and laughing while my granny is running behind them to make them stop (not so much running as waddling, but nonetheless) and it feels like yesterday that she was doing the same for me, my bro and my cousins. And now its the same but the next generation doing the exact same thing :) Life is funny that way....But all in all there is a lot to be thankful for and I hope someday Viv sees that too.....

Read this really interesting article the other day where the writer basically collects responses to the same set of 5 questions from women around the world. It is really interesting because not only are the women in varied geographies, but they are also demographically different (ages, economic strata, religion etc.)

At the face of it, there may seem to be very varied experiences but I saw a lot of common thread also. I am hereby inspired to put my own by sort of self tagging myself.

What is the most challenging thing you have found about Mommyhood?

Till you get to a state of equilibrium, mommyhood itself is challenging and at all levels. In my opinion it takes about 10 months after you have had a kid for you to start breathing normally and not freak out over every small thing. Aside from that, the most challenging aspect is to take time out for yourself without the guilt that comes with it. It is very easy to be consumed and overwhelmed by the new arrival in our lives. Like someone else also mentioned, it is very easy to go days without taking a proper shower (I have done the 5 mins dash for so many weeks that I have lost count), or doing laundry, or set aside any time for a dinner and conversation with your spouse. It takes a sense of balance to even get past your routine and try to make time for other things. When you start wanting to make time is when the guilt hits you big time. You start comparing the need for that haircut Vs leaving your baby with the nanny/caregiver etc etc.. It is very important for new moms to aspire for that sense of balance and allow yourself to take time out for yourself because at the end of the day its is equally important to respect yourself as an individual first and a mother after.

More and more women are talking openly about issues, such as postpartum depression and breast feeding, that may have been considered taboo in the past. What pregnancy or childbirth related issues do you wish women had told you more about?

It is extremely heartening to see a lot of issues being openly discussed now with little or no judgement. I don't understand why certain topics are even taboo anymore, certainly not postpartum depression or breastfeeding. Where I come from BF is most natural and there is also a socially built in support system for a new mother which helps with most forms of baby blues. I personally think that postpartum depression is more prevalent in cultures where joint families are less common or where new moms rely on external caregivers rather than their own mom's or mom in laws.

I personally did a lot of fact finding from start to end, so I don't really have much in my list of issues someone had told me more about. There is just so much information out there nowadays, its also equally important to know when to stop turning your self into a Google junkie !

What is the greatest motherhood myth you have encountered as a mom yourself?

There are so many that it is difficult to zero in one one:

a. Babies need to drink water apart from BM for thirst. I heard this a zillion times and I would stick to the same response - BM has everything that a baby could possibly need till the age of 6 months and that's that.

b. Never allow babies to suck thumbs/ get used to pacifier/ dummy as its a tough habit to break- The truth is that kids who will take to pacifiers and dummies or thumbs will do it despite all your attempts. In fact more fervent you are in your attempts, the faster they will. By letting them get the sucking instinct out of their system by which ever means works most of the time.

c. When you have a baby, you need to learn to sacrifice - My mother has said this to me innumerable times :) (infact still does). Basically they mean stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about the baby and everyone else. Thats what mom's do. I find that thought revolting. I personally believe that if you are not happy, you will have very little happiness to give.

d. And the greatest myth of them all - The belief that your baby needs to be at least in the 80th percentile of the growth charts. I have struggled with this for a long time till I realized this whole thing is a myth and that its perfectly fine if my baby is in the 50th or 60th percentile w.r.t a growth chart as long as he's healthy and active. There is just no sense is beating yourself up about it and you need to give a deaf ear to people who say - "oh he looks so thin" !

What would your advise be to new moms on how to tackle being a working mom? What worked best for you?

a. Prepare yourself mentally. Its a mental conditioning to be and successfully be a working mom. Thankfully I have had a working mom, so at least that conditioning came easy to me. It is very important to be self aware that as a working mom, life is going to be a certain way for yourself and the child. It may or may not be better than the lives of other moms around you but it will be unique and different in the same way that you are unique and different as a parent.

b. Know your finances. It is very important to be aware of where you stand w.r.t finances in your family life because life could throw a curveball at you. You could be totally prepared for the first day at work after the maternity leave only to find a month down the line that you think different now and it doesn't seem worth it. If you do find yourself at a crossroad where you need to decide whether to work, work part time or stay at home, finances will also play a big part in your decision.

c.Start early at 6 months or wait till the child is at least 1. I know that there could be many who don't agree to this. But personally, starting early allows for the baby to adjust as he/ she grows up. Starting when the baby is 1 allows for you to get lesser apprehensions and separation anxieties. 6 months and 1 year are also in between stages where stranger anxiety/ separation anxiety is not that prevalent in babies, which makes it a good time for you to venture out. Of course at the end of the day it depends highly on the caregiver choices you have as well.

d. Involve your colleagues/ bosses in your decision - You never know where and which quarter you can get emotional support and advice from

Women, especially as mothers, are always trying to achieve balance. Do you think this is possible as a mom?

It depends on how you define balance. For me, if I have managed about 5 hours of constructive office work,come home to a reasonably tidy house, taken my son to the park in the evening, get some cooking done and the toddler fed and tucked in the bed by 9, I call that a major success in a day. This also means I have significant time post 9 PM for that quiet dinner with hubby or a pamper routine for myself :) But that doesn't happen everyday. And that is ok because I allow myself to have off days. Balance is different for different people. Find what your sense of balance is and I am sure it is possible as long as you allow yourself that margin of error and have reasonable expectations.

Its not easy !

Days are just a blur and 24 hours just ain't enough ! After a day doing all kinda random stuff, shopping, visiting people, having people over, cooking etc etc...All that we wanted to do was crash. Guess what, everybody did crash @ 9 (including guys who were jet lagged, guys who were busy with house move and unpacking etc.). But I don't get to crash. Viv gets to crash but he chooses not to, so I don't get to ..
It took me an hour to calm him down enuf to make him sleep. And another hour just to wind up things around the house.
For all the people who crave for kids or are planning on one, this is what I hafta say - Take your time.. take all the time in the world, coz this is a one way street. Once you start down this road, there is no turning back. Not for at least another 5 years (is what I have been told, who knows!)....

Hang in there Rads, hang in there....

Filmology then and now..

Someone recently asked me recently if I saw Ravan or Ravanan and i replied an emphatic NO. Of course with all the publicity one thing everybody makes sure nowadays is to tell you every little bit about a movie whether you like it or not. So I suppose a lot of what I had heard and what I saw as trailers sort of sealed the fate of that movie for me.

I like to call myself an avid cine goer but I would be lying if I said that I watch all kinds of movies. Thats something that sounds good in my head but its not true. I basically like to watch a movie for its entertainment value and of course for good movie making as long as the movie does not depress me. "The movie does not depress me" actually is a big pre-requisite for me. I strongly believe that I don't want to watch a movie that is preachy or tells me about stark and sad realities of life. I see that all around me, I don't need to spend 200 bucks and waste 3 hours to see it all over again on a big screen. I also do not like to see the central characters die a gruesome or sad death. I just don't understand movies like that. Why would you want to kill central characters whom you spend 2 hours in the movie making the audience like and appreciate ? Strange.. (Or maybe I just don't like stories like that. I really really like happy endings)

I look back and I know it wasn't always like this. As kids we were crazy about movies as a family and used to watch all kind of movies (crap included). Apart from hindi movies, I remember there used to be this short dark tamil chap who used to come to our house in his moped and his huge bag of tamil cassettes (it was cassettes those days :)) We used to take about 3 movies a week mostly during vacations and other non exam times.

General tamil movies reviews and box office collections were a mystery to us in Delhi far away from any tamil community. All we had was the word of mouth assurance given to us by this Sarvanan chap. And interestingly he used to give us that 5 star rating for every movie that he used to give us. He would pretend to search for good movies out of that cloth bag of his and by the end of 2 months we would realize that we had watched just about all the movies from that bag and there was just no filter criteria. With every cassette he would take out he would say with so much pride "Arumayaana padam saar/madam" . It soon became a joke in my house and with my limited tamil vocabulary I started to make fun of him everytime he said that by saying "arumayaana padam illai erumayaana padam" ! (erumaye = buffalo)

But the point is that I was a lot more open to movies at that time which has made me watch tamil movies from the 60's and 70's like 16 vayathinile and meendum kokila to agni nakshatrams types. I think if I had those choices today I would really weigh them before watching any of those.. We watched happy movies like "Kadalikka nerumillai" to "Micheal madana kamaraj", arty movies and family dramas by K Balachandar and melodramas by Visu and of course some sad ones like Nayagan etc.. (sad as in sad endings, story of unending misery etc.. )

Part of it was because we definitely did not know what the movie was eventually about and partly because we would see all the so called famous ones anyways (famous according to Sarvanan who also, it turned out, was a huge Vijaykant fan !! He has scarred my childhood permanently by making me watch 90% of Vijaykant movies that have ever released!)

But the point is that I was never choosy about it. But now I always wonder a) Is the movie gonna make me sad b) Is the movie preachy c) Do people die unecessarily etc etc.. I am much happier watching above average movies in which a) there are good looking people b) good soundtrack c) good actors d) good story. You see how the good story kinda features in the end :)) Which probably explains why I actually enjoy Yash Chopra/ Karan Johar kinda movies..

Hmm.... who says things become simpler as you grow older :))

Of comforts and changes

New year has started with a bang.. V took a shot at standing up on his own and even attempted a few independent steps. It was such a joy to see this little one who did not even know to sit up, standing up an clapping :) There was also teeth sprouting which became a reason to rejoice at home. I wonder at what point do we stop rejoicing all the milestones and start sighing at them with disbelief :))

New Year also gave way to many instances of falling and banging various body parts against all hard surfaces. Fortunately I am not one of those moms who are given to dramatics and seem more traumatized than the baby who has suffered an injury. But V seems to be one of those babies whose eyes look out for me when he does fall and will come to me and insist on being pampered and kissed for about a minute before resuming mischief.
I marvel at the healing powers god gives to new moms, I personally never knew I had any capacity to comfort someone like that instantly :) But it seems to work big time. I also wish god would leave this power with me for a long long time to come. Because I know for a fact that there will be times when he will be hurt by some kind of misery, feeling of losing, feeling of helplessness, heartbreaks etc.. I wish I have this power to help him heal then. I really wish he could be made to feel better by just a hug and a kiss when someone breaks his heart or he loses that prize that he worked hard for to someone else. I really really wish..

On that note I also picked up my phone and called my mom to speak with her generally. I wanted to ask her how I was as a baby and was there any similarity between how V behaves and me. So mom tells me that i was very independent even as a baby and there were very few instances when I would actually cry. She throws in that 'Even as a baby you were not very demonstrative and a little repressed'

It was a 'What the what' moment right then and there for me ! :) My own mom calling me repressed. But then I do look back and understand that I have my own defence mechanism and one of them being non demonstrative and not allowing myself to feel very vulnerable.

I think its good that children are so vulnerable, and that they reach out to whatever comforts them and once comforted they are good to go. Maybe its something that I can learn from this little thing. For the new year I tell myself that its ok to be vulnerable sometimes and reach out to what comforts us. Coz in the end if it helps, why not !

Amazing how the little ones teach us stuff :))

Welcome 2011

Things I wanna do in 2011

1. Find a job that really really keeps me engaged

2. Find some way to take time out for myself and not feel bloody guilty about it

3. Take more vacations and short breaks

4. Make a new friend

5. Find a baby sitter or day care arrangement that works for me

6. Loose some weight

7. Travel on work

8. Change my hair

9. Chalk out more Date Nights

10. Not miss a single opportunity to take photos @home and of loved ones.

I could be happy with a 70% success ratio :)