wanted !

Searching my soul last night realized that I need new friends and more importantly a new best friend. You might ask why, considering its not like I am moving to a new planet or anything. Just that I figure out of the existing lot, some are busy, some fell out and some .. well, lets just say not very accessible right now. I am not complaining though, believe me. I am just trying to see how this whole thing works. Considering I have never before set out something like this before voluntarily, it needs a bit of thinking about.
All this soul searching made me think about this whole process of finding and making friends from its very inception. Flash back to kindergarten, things were simple. The person next to you could be your friend or even your 'best' friend if - they let you share their lunch box, they give you their pencil just coz you liked it , you both like to snicker a lot when someone asks you anything, if he or she lived in the same colony if not the same building, or even for the simple fact that they just sit beside you everyday.

I must say, we have come a long way since then. Things have gotten complicated somewhere along the way. I know some people who have been friends literally since they were in their diapers. They still are the best of friends till date. Then there are some who (ok like me) have a set of friends for every season, for every phase in life.
I believe in splitting your life in various phases. (of course makes it easier to remember also- hmm ya during that long hair phase of mine, oh ya during that rebellious phase of mine and not to mention some quite unmentionable ones :p). Looking back, I feel I have had friends for like every 4 years, as in a new set of friends. I am not saying all the old ones are gone and forgotten. Of course not, am still in touch with ol school buddies and catch up online pretty often. But of course we are talking about new ones that came by.

Made a few new friends last year, some really sweet ones. But they were all circumstantial so to speak, as in, i wouldn't have even met them if not for certain events. But ya, no complaints, I completely adore everything they stand for. But ya in a lot of ways, I was glad to see that I was open to finding new people to be a part of my personal sphere. Its not easy to assimilate new people into your lives at all. But somehow they all fit in, whether it was someone I could talk to way into wee hours of morning or the one at work who i bonded with mainly coz he was also an asian i think :p or they one i stayed with for almost a month, he was a real sweet guy! They all fit in so perfectly. I mean, you would normally think that as you grow older it becomes more and more difficult to make new friends, either because you are by then so set in your ways that you are not that open to new adjustments that new people bring in, or simply because as you make your way thru life you inclination and effort you want to spend meeting new people drastically reduces. I do thank god, it wasn't so and because of that, I have new friends who I exchange mails with or chat with every alternate day and it brightens my day!

Well, if there are so many people in my life, you might wonder I am still talking about making new friends. Well, as I said before, these are not accessible people ! hello ! So, ya, we have established that I need people around me who are accessible (ok, you know not just physically but also emotionally available). Being emotionally available is such a huge thing on top of my list now. Call it learning from experience or whatever, there is this friend of mine who is so bogged down by her personal problems (which I do not want to comment on), that the person is almost emotionally unavailable to most people. Its like life revolves around what happened and what should have happened. I am not judging here even for a moment but I do really and truly believe that you have to be ready to accept what life throws your way before expecting life to throw anything to you, being so preoccupied doesn't really help. anyways, lesser said about that the better.

So, now time to think about everything I want as qualities in the person, hmmm lets see I think most importantly I want somebody whose definition of friendship is closest to mine. I could rattle off about how a person should be but obviously its not a matrimonial column here and believe me you put up with lot less in a friendship :p (sorry honey) :-)

After all these years of making/keeping friends, i realize that i am still talking to people whose definitions are closer to mine than anything else. Its not about how we talk/interact with each other. Its not about what they have done for you and likewise. Its not about how similiar you are to each other in whatever ways. Its a little about what is acceptable to both of you and what is not. Its a little about what I think matters most in any relationship and the person feels at least 80% of that. A lot of relationships/friendships fall out (according to me) because there are certain things that are ok by you but are not ok by the other person. Of course you always have a right to comment/state your opinion but I think if I come across something thats so not ok with me, it somewhere crosses a small yellow line and borders on inducing judgement. I think how much ever you say your friends don't judge you, I think just about every individual in this world judges everybody else in one way or the other. Its just about the moral and social fibre your pysche is made up of. It forms the basic structure of anything in your mind and anything that completely disagrees with that, causes a conflict to some extent. How you chose to deal with it is entirely up to you. Some people can contain it much better than others believe me. There is this friend of mine who is a super listener according to everybody. Does that mean she agrees and empathises with all that you say with every nod of her head? Certainly not, a lot of times she might even say that when talking about someone but she is just built like that, someone who listens and looks apparently quite non judgemental!
Lesser conflicts are the building blocks for a good friendship. At this juncture of our lives, we Are quite set in our ways and have lesser and lesser tolerance for things we don't like. Its just as well if we end up avoiding people who bring about a sense of unsettling in you. I have done that and believe me I have no regrets. I feel like a better person :-)
A good friend will also stand by you no matter what. There are people around you who will say I did that because you know, I should have, for her/him. I mean I am sure she/he will do the same for me. You know what, I am not sure if I even like that. Doing something because you think the other person will reciprocate is not a good enough reason for you to do it. Obligations are fine in all other social spheres in life but not in a friendship. Thats just sad. I want to stand by my friend because plain and simple I Want to not because i should or any such thing. At that point I am not going to think about what would happen if roles were reversed or whatever. You have to want to be there and stand by your friend. There is a fine line of distinction here which a lot of people don't realize.

I could go on but I think these things are the mandatory in my list and not subject to compromise :-) They say that friends are so precious because family you are born into but you personally choose your friends and I agree completely.

ps: Just an after thought but something inside me just popped a question about would I /should I still be going around looking for new friends even post wedding. Does your hubby automatically become your closest pal? I agree to a large extent but yeah debatable :-))