bicker bicker..

Last week hubby and I talked about my ex after a long time. Well, its not like he was ever a fav topic of convo or anything but we had our usual exes convo long back. Its been ages since then and then suddenly his name came up. I really can't remember why or how. It just did. But it didn't feel that awkward to talk about him. In fact I felt ok telling hubby about his new gf and how things had been. Ok, maybe feeling ok was a bit of exaggeration, lets just say it was relatively easier than before. We have always maintained an open view of my previous relationship but its not always easy to talk about certain things isn't it?

Coping with an ex is never an easy job. Esp if the relationship was complicated or spanning a few years. Things get murkier if it wasn't a summer fling or that teen romance. Unfortnately for me, it was a mix of just about all that. Some good times and some very bad times. Time when i realized I had grown up, times when I realized he was moving on. All very very complicated. There is still a lot of spite. Surpisingly so because its all seems so much like a life i no longer recognize anymore. But its very disconcerting to see myself swinging between the two extremes of indifference and spite. Unlike me in some ways but also a lot like me when you think deeply.
I was chatting with Mr ex. the other day and it was a very casual conversation, almost bordering on making a polite conversation and suddenly from somewhere was this statement which reeked of "Thats so typical of you". I got busy soon after that and let it slip but it got lodged somewhere in my head and disturbed me later when I was alone and musing.
A previous relationship especially when you don't want to have anything to do with the person can be shut deep down and forgotten. But there are things which you can't get away from. Something as inherent as spending a few years with somebody directly implies the person knows you for what you are and thats something you can't refute. It was someone you had spent time talking about hopes and dreams. Someone you grew up with over time. These are somethings you cannot run away from and I was trying to fight a losing battle over this.
I guess things might be easier if it was not nasty and both parties parting amicably. Sigh.. thats worse than wishful thinking, thats wishful thinking in past tense !!

Have i grown up since then ? yes.. have i become a better person since then? Yes... Am i better off now? More than ever. I am at a state happiest than ever before in my life. Did I do the right thing? Most definitely. That would have been the worst mistake of my life and I would not be married to the single most adorable person in the world!

I cannot even relate to what i felt in those days but yes, a part of me misses the person I was back then. Of course I cannot wish to be 22 again :-) But yeah, life has changed in more ways than one. Looking back I see someone different from this person I see in the mirror now a days. When I turn back, I see this girl full of life, hyperactive and extremely impulsive. Life was all about instant decisions and things done in the blink of an eye. Do I miss that? maybe, maybe not.. all those things make me a wiser person today. I am still impulsive but I do pause for a moment to take stock, something I never did in those days. But somewhere that hyperactive girl ready for anything at a moments notice is definitely gone. ..Maybe I am growing up, maybe its all a part of life and this is how its meant to be.
But why is there a vague sense of unsettling? Why is there so much spite? I don't know. Maybe time is the answer.
Maybe I have too much of it :p Maybe thats the problem right there!