ha ha ha

Fighting with this friend today who accused me of being too choosy about my social life.. He said i am too biased in choosing people to associate with or even be seen with. Well, I wouldn't really say associate coz whether you like some people or not, you hafta deal with them day in an out. Just grin an bear types, hmm rather gulp and bear types :p
Anyways, but when it comes to people i chose to be friendly with or socialize with, I do think he's right. I am quite quite choosy. I do not easily mingle, till about a few years ago, I was even considered sorta anti-social :p
But I don't think its a question of being biased at all, its just being selective..There are people who filter their close associations based on their interactions with them or maybe even just based on how the other person is. I think I go a step further. I really believe that I have this radar in me which tells me if I can get along with this person even as earlier as when I see somebody.. Its crazy I know.. and admit, its not 100% foolproof also..God only knows how many people i have parted ways with despite them being frnds or whatever.
But point remains that it because I can gauge somebody as soon as I see them, that I can so confidently choose not to associate with them. I mean, if I am not gonna get along with this person, not relate to, why bother! Life's too short for that!..

ps: Apologize for the abundant snobbery (if thats even a word, its noun for being snobbish;) ), vot to do, we are like thiss only pliss!

Age

Growing up takes u thru vague turns in life you may not have expected to see otherwise..
It has done that for me.. Shown me sides of me I never knew existed, brought me down to my knees in humility when i didnt think it was possible, made me realize things I would have taken for granted otherwise..

Its almost weird but if I had to filter out to exactly point out things age has taught me or rather inculcated in my personality, it would be:

1. Have learnt to be indifferent about certain things that really don't matter as I may think they do - Have learnt this the hard way, we spend too much time and energy concentrating on things that don't need that kind of attention. Could even be people who don't need that kind of attention. Its difficult to sometime draw that line and say - no, this is not worth it. But I think I am learning to do that.. Its probably too cold a technique but believe me its worth it.

2. Learnt to put myself into the other person's shoes before even putting thoughts into words.. Pause, reflect and then speak.. Its not as easy as it may sound.. We are all too judgemental no matter how you take it.. And I know now that its almost a stiched part of our human fabric, but I also have born the brunt of it. So I consciously try to place myself as the the other person before saying anything. Don't succeeed always but hey, worth a shot! Of course there will always be situations you cannot fathom for the love of life, situations you cannot relate to, stand back and just admit that. Give the person the benefit of doubt and just be there..

3. Weird as it may sound, but I think with age I have become more emotional now more than ever. Looking back 3-5-7 years ago, I see a different person from what I am currently.. That person was a lot stronger emotionally. Maybe indifference had a lot to do with it, was quite self involved. This one's high strung and quite fragile emotionally. Maybe its just the course of your life which decides that or makes you that way.. I wish it wasn;t like that tho', am not sure how to do anything about this. There is a lot more of insecurity that I see and do not like it at all. But working on it, who knows, maybe tomm will be different..

Closure

In more sense than one.. Sometimes, it gives you a certain sense of peace and calm on knowing that the other person also suffered ...

ahista ahista

Originally by Jagjit singh, sung all over again by Asha..

This album (Asha) I have to say is mind blowing! Pure Magic !!!.........

Sarakti jaye hai rukh se naqab ahista ahista
nikla aa raha hai aftab ahista ahista

Jawaan hone lage jab woh to humse kar liya parda
haya yakhlaqt aayi aur shabab ahista ahista

Shab-e-furqat ka jaga hoon farishton ab to sone do
kabhi fursat mein kar lena hisaab ahista ahista

Woh bedardi se sar kate amir aur main kahun unse
huzur ahista ahista janab ahista ahista

Thought for the day...

Just as you write someone off as being the ever insensitive creature, wham! You are hit right between the eyes with a gesture or conversation which drips with the kind of sensitivity and vulnerability you always always wished you had seen a part of...
Its weird isn't it, some guys have that perpetual coat around them of being extremely self sufficient in every which way, which includes emotionally, socially and what not.. But there is always this one woman who will bring them down to their knees and there is that moment when they will even admit that they r down on their knees..
Believe it or not, we women always are on a look around for that one guy just like that. Its a question of who breaks whose shroud of indifference first..In case of girls, its easier to do that because its a put on. More often than not, we are not indifferent at all, we may pretend to be. And it takes only a little time for men (ok let me rephrase that, men whom we want to pursue..) to break down that wall and get thru to the inner you, the vulnerable you. But believe me its much much tougher for women to do the same with men..
Lets face it, we all walk around with that smug- 'I am doing pretty well, thank you' look all the time. But there is something screaming inside of all of us which craves for that someone we can be, well.. , ourselves with..
Its usually a person of the opposite sex who fills that void within us...Friends are always there but this is different, this is altogether on a different level.. This is magical...This almost goes ahead to prove why men need women and vice versa..
But anyways I digress (ok, I do that quite often now a days), there was this side of someone I hadn't seen almost ever.. In all the years that I have known the person, in all those degrees of intimacy we shared, never.. Or at least thats what it seems like...Its a totally different side, its almost like there is some hint of sensitivity hidden somewhere. Something i would have probably loved to see years ago but didn't. Now, i do realize that you need somebody who will do that to you, bring that out in you, especially if its not a natural reflex.
And that person was not me..
But I am glad nonetheless..

ranjish hi sahi

ranjish hi sahI dil hi dukhane ke liye aa
Aa phir se mujhe chhod ke jane ke liye aa

kis kis ko batayen_ge judai ka sabab ham
tu mujh se khafa hai to zamane ke liye Aa

ik 'umr se hun lazzat-e-giriya se bhi mahroom
Ai rahat-e-jan mujh ko rulane ke liye Aa
[lazzat-e-giriyA=the pleasure of crying; ashk bahaane kaa sukh mahroom=stranger, devoid of]

mana ke muhabbat ka chhupana hai muhabbat
chupke se kisi roz jatane ke liye aa

jaise tujhe ate hain na ane ke bahane
waise hi kisi roz na jane ke liye aa


pehlE se marAsim na sahI phir bhi kabhI tO rasm-O-rahE duniyA hi nibhAnE ke liyE Aa [marAsim=tradition-bound, habitual, custom-dictated]

ranjish hi sahI dil hi dukhane ke liye aa
Aa phir se mujhe chhod ke jane ke liye aa

Music

I miss music in my life....
I miss singing..I don't find myself singing as often as I used to.. I think its gone.. maybe forever...

I am not sure why, maybe I do.. maybe I don't want to face that just yet..

But in case I don't really get back what I lost, in some sense I want to leave a trace... a print..
Not sure how.. Right now, I wonder what my children will see me as..will they ever see that side of me.. maybe not..

If they ever come across this, I want to tell them that their mum loved music. A lot more than it may seem now.
She used to sing like a maniac. Sing so much that your grandmother had to shut her up because she was forever singing.
She and her brother used to fight so much because she would forever hog the bathroom as that was her most favourite place in the world where she would just sing an shower for hours!
She was the lunch singer in her office as her colleagues would make her sing during lunch much to the dislike of the fellow people around :)
She and her friend won the first ever 'antakshri' competetion held in her company.
When she used to visit this friend's place over weekends, they would ask her to sing all their favourite songs..
:-) There was even a time when she visited the same friend's parents in hyderabad and invited her for their wedding anniversary. Now, it was a well organized party and she sang on the stage with Uncle and they all loved it :)
She doesn't sing that much really now a days.. but she really used to love to..

of love and such..

They say- be with the one who wants to be with you and rather than the one you can't seem to be without..

What can I say.. I agree..

Love is a funny thing.. and a complicated thing.. but more than anything else it makes us want to believe things we would not have otherwise.. In other words we become total suckers!
So is it good to be so totally suckerish and enjoy while it lasts, maybe.. but maybe not because in the long run, it could save you from hellish heartbreaks..

Nothings perfect in life, including d'uh life! Would you rather have 6 months of wicked passion than lifetime of bliss ?
Hmm debatable.. Definitely questionable.. But a whole lot depends on the kind of person you are..
Ok, I am sooo not focussed right now.. started with something and ahem.. here I am..
soooo... what was I saying...Hmm mua was talking about being with someone who wants to be with you more than anything else.. you may wonder why I am even in this weird philo state of mine..
Well... I wonder too.. but I guess its mainly because I for one am a staunch believer of the same verse.. and secondly coz I did say that to someone else today..

Well.. it wasnt taken so well I am guessing.. when you are telling somebody who's just had her heart broken that its better to be with somebody who does wanna be with you not otherwise, well.. its not such an easy thing to gulp down...
But how do I explain to her that this too shall pass.. and of course the fact that I am saying it because I truly beleive in it and seriously, i should know.. I was there...

Mal-adjusted

Hokay! For people wondering what happened to me after that -oh, I am so adjusting, blog! T'is not about that :p

Ever felt you are such a misfit and maybe you were born for a different life ? There are times in my otherwise mundane life that I let such thoughts drift thru my head.. (ya, cooky I know! :p)

Maybe its a case of grass is greener on the other side syndrome. But honestly speaking, I think it runs deeper in my case.. Its not just about how my life could have been kinda ruminations but my life should have been like this kinda stream of thought.. Comprehendo ? Na ?
Ok, Lemme break it apart and explain maadi....

Here I was, a simple girl (ok maybe not sooo simple), in IT working on a particularly (so called) important project. Am more or less conventional in my ways and completely aware of what I am and what I am totally not capable of.
Since afternoon today, I have had this horrible feeling of having taken up something I am not capable of doing. (believe me, that does not happen very often. I am quite manipulative enough to get what I want and I am inclined towards things that I know for sure I am good at..) So, it starts with this sinkin feeling that I have bit more than I can chew and there is just too much pressure.
It goes on a self evaluation mode where I am thinking of long and short term objectives and how if not now, 2 years down the line I would have to (or at least be expected to) take up certain responsibilities professionally.

But.... (ok, here's the catch).... instead of continuing the sane and matured train or thought, i am sidelined by the cooky side of me, which by all means confuses me like hell!

I start thinking about whether I am really doing what I want to be doing. Whether any of this is worth it and helps me go where I want to go. Ok that brings me to the million dollar question, where do I want to go ?

There's this line that I read a few years back and it keeps playing in my head like a daemon process (:p)- If you don't have a destination in mind, you can take anywhich road you want (or some such thing but thats the gist of it)

So, with that background, if I don't know where I wanted to go, am I goin this way because I just landed there or is there still a chance to span out, explore ?

Interesting isn't it! To add to my woes, the quirky side of me then takes over and does a RCA (root cause analysis) and says that you were so not meant for this life! Thats it!

Maybe, I should have been a painter, a wandering artist or I dunno, this wild thing in a flowing skirt! Thats what I realy see myself as you know, if I had to paint a mental picture of myself, thats what it would be.. In a black top and multicolored gypsy skit with a flower in my hair behind my ears (:p), maybe playing a guitar, in some place which very closely resembles a beach shack..

Amazing isn't it!