Home sweet home

Its been a busy week with all the last minute shopping and packing and all that jazz! Finally managed to scrunch all my belongings into the mammoth suitcases of mine. How I managed to lug them around, God only knows!

Flew business class this time back to India.. It was awesome! Slept peacefully for the first time .. Landed in Mumbai and suddenly felt so light.. Can't explain... there is just something about being baq in your own country.. a feeling of everything is fine.. there is nothing to worry about kinda feeling :))

But a few minutes later realized that everything was not well. I had really heavy luggage which cumulatively was almost double what I weigh probably !! Try lugging that around..
Not to mention these zillion security booths that have popped up in the mumbai airport now.. Whats up with that ?? I thought this kinda thing happened only in US where you were required to go thru scanners so stringently.. Believe me that is nothing compared to this. During departure I probably went thru security check probably twice. Get this, after arrival and clearing custom, I had to go thru security checks at least 4 times here in India!! Its amazing! And we blame the US airports!?
There was this guy who helped me at one of these security checkpoints with my luggage. Just as I was thanking my stars and saying to myself, o wow people are soooo friendly here. He whispers to me - Kuch deke jaiye na.. Translated that means, since I picked up your luggage to place it on that table, you need to pay me something!!
I am quite dazed an confused by now.. Wondering if I had any change, wondering how to tell him to go take a flying leap, wondering if anybody heard him, wondering where is all the indian currency i cleverly stashed away months ago!!? Finally found a 10 buck note and quite ruefully handed over to him!

Had to take a shuttle from international to domestic for onward journey to blore.. Had to check in bags again.. While I was checking those in, the counter guy called out my name from the ticket -
Him: Miss Radhika, there is a chance your luggage may not arrive in this flight.
Me: (Uh !!??, Is this some kind of a sic joke!!?) ) What?
Him: No, no. this is a very small aircraft so, sometimes we may not be able to fit in all the luggage especially ones like you have.
Me: (Glaring at him the best I could, despite being quite disoriented at that time). Ok, so ?
Him: So, nothing to worry about, it will come in the next flight.
Me: So am I supposed to wait for it at the airport ?? (Like hell I will)
Him: No no, we will send it to your house, you will just have to fill a form.
Me: (Quite disdained and tired by now) Ok fine, whatever, just check it in now..

After a few minutes, have checkied in bags, looking at the shuttle which is over flowing with people by now.. This counter guy is trying to ask everybody to board it. Walks near me..
Him: Go Radhika go, what are you waiting for ?? You will miss your flight!
Me: Huh! (staring in disbelief at having some random guy calling me by my first name like he knows me!)

Smiling despite myself thinking, all this happens only in India :)))))

Fortunately all luggage arrived promptly in blore and I was amazed to see that my stupid bro was also there well ahead of time.. Knowing him believe me thats quite amazing. He's the kind who will either land late or not at all. Last time he forgot that he had to pick me up and I had to take a cab!!! mmmppfft!
Anyways.. Home now.. Feels awesome.. Weather rocks..

Chatting with granny, lazying around in pajamas, fighting with bro for the remote (dunno why we do this inspite of the fact that we have 2 TV's !!), mum trying to feed me with upma for the billion and 27th time in vain..,
at home.. at peace..

viva las vegas..

Spent last weekend at vegas. Had been planning to do that since a really long time. Wanted to infact do a quick re-wedding thingie as well, but hubby was not very conducive to the idea :p

Well who knows, maybe one of these days!

It was a really nice weekend and enjoyed vegas completely.. I believe that once you are done with all the sight seeing is when you can really enjoy the place.. There is no pressure of having to see all there is to see, do all there is to do.. Its plain and simple chilling out! t'was like that this time, didn't wanna spend all the time in and out of casinos and shops (Oh, they have fab shopping at vegas!!) Instead spent time getting the feel of the place, enjoying what each theme had to offer and just relaxing completely..

Had a wonerful time at this club we went to, more a lounge bar rather than a club which I think is nice coz then you can just sit back, drink and talk..
Went to this pastry shop at Bellagio, it is to die for!!! Absolutely amazing pastries and ice creams ! Its definitely a must go place in vegas as far as I am concerned..
Had a really good time at this place called napoleon in Paris which had a piano duet thingie going on. It was sooo amazing.. There is definitely something about live music.. No matter how good or bad it is, it is live and sooo soo enjoyable.. Not saying it wasn't nice or anything, both the singers were amazing in fact.. Had a nice evening there over drinks and got a few of our requests played as well :))

And of course, shopping, when have i ever gone anywhere and not shopped :p vegas is really very very tempting that way.. I mean, its a place which has all the avenues in the world to drain all that money you may have !! Pick anything and there will be a way they will get money outta you, how much ever! They don't care, thats how they thrive.. I mean, what else do they have in terms of say an economy, its just money making avenues... No industries, no so called financial sectors churning money..its plain an simple money makin via lot of avenues! ;)

But anyways, it was a great trip in all ! Wait, did I mention it was a surprise trip for hubbs ? ;))

Blip blip..

T'is has been a busy busy time.. Hurrying to wrap up work. Excitement to get out of here. Its so funny come to think about it, I am always always so happy to go back. Just the thought of it keeps me going for weeks. Then why do I keep comin back you may wonder.. hmm I wonder too..
Thought that next 2 weeks will be great fun with all that vacation thrown in, but queer twist of fate and I end up working thru my so called break! I don't know how I do this, manage to screw up things just right. I had planned for this weeks even months ahead. A nice 2 weeks of break in Phoenix with hubby before heading back to a sabbatical back home.
All I am left with are 2 weekend trips we had planned way ahead (and thank god for that, otherwise would have ended up screwing up that too!) and thats it!
Drat!

Anyways, the good news is that I have realized the new series 'Related' is worth pursuing :) (remember I had been a proponent of that a few weeks ago :p) T'is has its moments..
Vot to do, I am a total sucker for these chick shows! :p
Also, I today declare openly that I am hooked to 'Gilmore Girls' ! Yes people, I admit, i was a closet watcher, but now i decide to come out in the open! Its really such a sharp and witty series I do not have words to describe it!

An ad thats been ticking me off on TV now a days is the e or online match making site, something called eHarmony or something.. It really irks me to see how hypocritical this country can be! One one hand you declare that you don't understand why or how an arranged marriage works and on the other hand, you actually go and enroll on these sites which has software to match profiles based on your likes/dislikes and opinions??!!
I mean, give me a break, at least in arranged marriages, its the elders or the parents who are doing the match making for you and beleive me I have a lot of faith in that whole mechanism! Here you have strangers and even softwares making that match for you and you are supposed to find a lifetime of bliss that way !
Arrggghh.. ticks me off to no extent..And going by how many of these have sprung and are popular let me add, goes to show the increasing number of singles desperate for some form of companionship. I am not saying it in a wrong way mind you, but why be two faced about it.

For whatever its worth, at least our ways have a base in some fundamentals and have worked for like zillions of years.. Hmmppfff..

I am sooo sooo badly waiting for the new Karan Johar movie.. Yes, people I like that trash.. I really do.. I am a total sucker for these feel good movies.. Will take that anyday over an oscar contender or all those so called thought provoking, intelligent movie nonsense... I like to have pure unadulterated bollywood masaala for 3 hours with good looking people (read shah rukh khan, abhishekh bachhan here), good costumes (read flowing sarees, ghagras an what not here), good songs, elaborate sets and locales and of course karan johar/yash chopra :))
Needless to say, as you could have guessed I belong to the minority who liked K3G, I completely enjoyed it.. :)

Ok, before this blog flows into further unchartered territories, lemme full shtop it.. so here .

frustrations

dime a dozen.. can't wait to offload at least half them.. some day sometime...

Emotional baggage

We all have some to varying degrees.. How do you deal with somebody who has a lot of it? You were forewarned mind you. But the point still exists that the person has a lot of emotional baggage and it transcends to the current relationship. Do you tell yourself to be sensitive about it? Or do you debate about how unfair it is to you that you have to put up with additional complications..
Life's complicated and relationships are even more so but add some emotional baggage to that and you have got quite a handful to things to deal with. How much of a baggage is really acceptable also?
Is there like a permissible limit before you are declared to be too messed up in your head to be dealth with ? Thats a tough call to make. How do you really guage how much a person is bringing to the table in case of a new relationship. They may not even be apparent for all you know.. But its there somewhere at the back.. touching everything a person does or thinks ever so lightly..
It will be evident as days go by, little things that will be touchy, a little cynicism even. Topics that will be avoided like plague, people not spoken to, things not done, not acceptable, thought not seemingly making sense.. the list is endless.
There is really a simple and straightforward reasoning behind it (or is it even that straightforward?), emotional baggage, too much of it at that.

Is this the same person you thought was so perfect for you? What made you think that ? Did you really think you could deal with all thats going on in that small head? Did you even know what was going inside that small head ??

To fit or not to fit..

is the question..

Went to this Diwali party thrown by the company I work for.. Well, it was actually a party only for the Sales, Marketing an the rest of the biggies. Extended to moi graciously by this biz dev manager of mine.

Honestly I hadn't really been to a Diwali party in the states ever. The parties I have even got invited to earlier were the ones organized by these so called Indian cul societies or association or whatever you wanna call them.. People who know me better that I will not even touch these with a 10 ft pole!
So anyways since this was sounded different and of course the fact that I don't really have a life in NJ, I decided to give it a shot..
Knew exactly 2 people in that big hall that they had booked at this really jazzy restaurant (it was a really nice place!). Entered the premises riddled with skcepticism... What am i gonna do, who am i gonna talk to, who am I gonna hang around with, will I know anybody, will anybody know me blah blah blah..
This guy I knew was sweet enough to introduce me to his wife and made a quick exit (An I mean really quick, I am guessing that his wife did not know that the orange drink in his hand was not really orange juice:p)
So, here I am making small chat with the lady who has 2 children and is also surrounded by women watching their kids havin a fun time on the dance floor swayin to indi numbers :)

Small talk, chit chat and 15 mins later I realized I am bored out of my brains.. I needed a drink.. Went to tha bar and this indian bartended greeted me with - 'Good evening madam, would you like some juice? ' I gave him my patented- 'Are you for real' look and asked if they had some vodka. I could see the split second surprise and then he said-' Yes, we do, to make you feel really nice' !!!??@@!!!
I mean, hello !! Not only are you bored, feeling alone an dying for a drink, you get a wiseass creep bartender..
Breathe slowly Rads, count 1-10... breathe breathe..
Hmmppfff.. 5 mins later, outside and trying to call hubby on his cell so that I can kill 10 mins that way... Goes to his voice mail and I curse loud enough to have a few heads turn!

Go inside and am pleasantly surprised to see a variation in the crowd.. A few elegantly dressed ladies.. Quite headturners too I must say.. One was a wife of somebody and one was a girl friend I gathered, both in slinky sarees and strappy blouses.. Smiled to myself.. At least something interesting.. By then I am down half my drink and with lowered inhibitions, started walking up to groups of people and introducing myself..

I think it was a brilliant move except that i kept getting these remarks like - 'Do you work with us ? You look too young ? Is that what you do ? Wow, you look really young for your role! Are you here with somebody?'

I mean, what is it with people an perceptions ! Arrgghh,
But of course with a 2nd drink in my hand, I was able to ignore the comments or even retort cheekily to some :)

After about an hour or so I think i was mingling well with the crowd and had become an expert at polite conversations with the people depending on who they were, weather it was coddling an infant a lady had, weather it was the stock/share value, whether it was about new hindi movies, whether it was about the party places in and around.. I think it was a good experience and by the end of the evening I guess I was less apprehensive about fitting in..

I think fitting in is an overrated thing. Why do we hafta fit in, you don't have to really. That would actually mean you are trying to be somebody you are not, I could never be that gushing newly wed, the coddling mum, the preoccupied with my babies lady, the smart ballbreaker lady who was networking like it was part of breathing, the strappy blouse babe with champagne in one hand and flirting with the other hand, the I don't know what I am doing here in this corner variety. But I can, I swear I can walk up to each one of these people and talk their language. I did :)

Pearls of widom

Marry a guy who makes you laugh. Just that, should be the clinching factor for any relationship.

It doesn't matter if he doesn't sweep you off your feet, doesn't matter if your friends don't like him, doesn't matter if he can't whisper poetry or quote kafka. But if he can make you laugh or smile thru moments riddled with uncertainties and tension, moments when you just don't know what to do or how, you have a winner right there!

Thought for the day

You know you are truly missed when:

"You call a friend, get her voice mail instead and then when she gets it, she wonders o damn I missed the call and not o damn I wonder why she called"

Thank god for small mercies

Thinking about all the ways in which I find my life blessed (yes, I am doing that often now a days so that I don’t hafta start chewing my hair soon :p), I realize I have a lot to be thankful for.

Thank god for a childhood that was both different and a lesson in parenting. If not for that, I would probably not have a list of thing ‘not to do’ when I have my own kids ;). Kidding but more importantly, I know for sure what is important and what can be left out without traumatizing the kid!

Thank god for fair weather friends, without whom I would never have come up with this inner circle of people I have now. I would have gone ahead in life believing that life’s all about where we all go out, what we wear and what we do with spare time, as friends.

Thank god for all the men in my life, without whom I would be so lost in this otherwise screwed up world. I would never have realized what a boon it is to have guys as best friends! Guys rock! Especially all ones in my life :)

Thank god for the pain of heartbreak, without which I probably would not have realized what I give to any relationship. If not for that, I would never have known love in all its forms. I would never have seen the bigger picture. And more importantly, never would have recognized a good man when he came along!

Thank god for all the passion I seem to have for inane things in life, whether its making cocktails, whether its cooking, whether its shopping, making plans, going on trips with friends, playing a hostess, music, and much more.. If not for that passion, I would be so so shallow..

So… Thank you!

Eragon

Currently reading the above mentioned book by this author Christopher Paolini, who apparently wrote the book at the age of 15.

Its been interesting so far. Has shades of LOTR, HP and some other books based on magic and fantasy. I guess with that as a central theme , therez bound to be a similiarity!

Its a well written book about this young boy and his dragon. I personally feel that the author has based the central character on himself (don't ask me why, just think so..) Its not exactly rivetting but then again even LOTR was not.. I remember reading that book much before the movies came out, all 3 parts in one book mind you! It took a lot of deliberation and weeks to get thru that. Not that it was not interesting, the sheer writing was amazing and I loved every bit of the fantasy and the idea of this whole new world (or old world?) picture! I am a tolkien fan...

I had also ventuerd to read this other book by Jonathan Stroud which was again based on magic, The amulet of Samarkhand.. I think i derive some goulish pleasure in readin about magic an stuff, really!

So, anyways coming back to this new book, I think its a good read if you are really into the ancient lore, scrolls, magic, dragons etc etc.. Its fun, has all those proper ingredients for both children and adults..

All in all an interesting read :)

Related

New series on WB, apparently from the same team which came up with 2 of my other fav series, Friends and S and the City.. Saw 15 mins of it, its about 4 sisters in New York and their general life.. First impression was - 4 sisters !! Whoa! 2 sisters I thought were a little too much, can you imagine a house with 4 women plus say 1 for their mum (stepmum in this case) ? Not that they are all living together or anything, but imagine growing up in a house like that! Wow... Thats all that kept playing in my head...

Well, I guess i got sidetracked by that thought which overtook that critique who was supposedly figuring out if this series was worth pursuing (I pursue all good TV shows with zest huhahaha) But I did catch the general drift of the show which was all about bonding, adjusting and a big pinch of New York thrown in.. Well, in a nutshell, a total chick flick (or is it a chick show ? hmmm)

Anyways, got me thinking of bonding in real life which made me realize something. The actual number of people I can actually relate to now a days is such a dwindling number! Its actually amazing.. Well.. maybe not that surprising given how even number of friends I have, has become such a dwindling number :p

But its amazing, really because thru this quirky life of mine, I feel i am dropping more people than gathering. You know what I mean, you start out in school and collect people, like friends.. Then you make some new ones, old ones get forgotten, then you drop some you don't want to be friends with anymore.. Then there are some you start as being friends with but then you kinda demote them to just people you know and then of course works the other way too, but thats a totally different issue altohether..(and i digress as usual)

But seriously, as you grow older, this kitty you have shrinks and shrinks.. Plus you know how we evolve even on a daily basis.. What you thought 5 years ago was totally cool is not even thinkable now, what you are even doing today was so not done 2 years ago, you get the drift ? So basically, what I am saying is that there were always this set of people who were growing with you so that makes it easier growing old knowing that this person if not today but tomm will/may feel the same.. But imagine you don't have that comfort factor at all? I mean, how many people off hand would you say you will meet who are at exactly the same place or at least similiar who feel the same things you do ??

Its actually a scary thought! I mean, what if I wake up tomm and find that I have friends so to speak but nobody I can actually relate to !!?? Whoa! Thats huge, I am not even sure what I will do then.. What do you do ? Do you really assume that the person or people you relate to today will exist in your life tomm ? Or that you will somewhere somehow find people you can relate to?
I don't know, thats quite presumptious I would say..

ha ha ha

Fighting with this friend today who accused me of being too choosy about my social life.. He said i am too biased in choosing people to associate with or even be seen with. Well, I wouldn't really say associate coz whether you like some people or not, you hafta deal with them day in an out. Just grin an bear types, hmm rather gulp and bear types :p
Anyways, but when it comes to people i chose to be friendly with or socialize with, I do think he's right. I am quite quite choosy. I do not easily mingle, till about a few years ago, I was even considered sorta anti-social :p
But I don't think its a question of being biased at all, its just being selective..There are people who filter their close associations based on their interactions with them or maybe even just based on how the other person is. I think I go a step further. I really believe that I have this radar in me which tells me if I can get along with this person even as earlier as when I see somebody.. Its crazy I know.. and admit, its not 100% foolproof also..God only knows how many people i have parted ways with despite them being frnds or whatever.
But point remains that it because I can gauge somebody as soon as I see them, that I can so confidently choose not to associate with them. I mean, if I am not gonna get along with this person, not relate to, why bother! Life's too short for that!..

ps: Apologize for the abundant snobbery (if thats even a word, its noun for being snobbish;) ), vot to do, we are like thiss only pliss!

Age

Growing up takes u thru vague turns in life you may not have expected to see otherwise..
It has done that for me.. Shown me sides of me I never knew existed, brought me down to my knees in humility when i didnt think it was possible, made me realize things I would have taken for granted otherwise..

Its almost weird but if I had to filter out to exactly point out things age has taught me or rather inculcated in my personality, it would be:

1. Have learnt to be indifferent about certain things that really don't matter as I may think they do - Have learnt this the hard way, we spend too much time and energy concentrating on things that don't need that kind of attention. Could even be people who don't need that kind of attention. Its difficult to sometime draw that line and say - no, this is not worth it. But I think I am learning to do that.. Its probably too cold a technique but believe me its worth it.

2. Learnt to put myself into the other person's shoes before even putting thoughts into words.. Pause, reflect and then speak.. Its not as easy as it may sound.. We are all too judgemental no matter how you take it.. And I know now that its almost a stiched part of our human fabric, but I also have born the brunt of it. So I consciously try to place myself as the the other person before saying anything. Don't succeeed always but hey, worth a shot! Of course there will always be situations you cannot fathom for the love of life, situations you cannot relate to, stand back and just admit that. Give the person the benefit of doubt and just be there..

3. Weird as it may sound, but I think with age I have become more emotional now more than ever. Looking back 3-5-7 years ago, I see a different person from what I am currently.. That person was a lot stronger emotionally. Maybe indifference had a lot to do with it, was quite self involved. This one's high strung and quite fragile emotionally. Maybe its just the course of your life which decides that or makes you that way.. I wish it wasn;t like that tho', am not sure how to do anything about this. There is a lot more of insecurity that I see and do not like it at all. But working on it, who knows, maybe tomm will be different..

Closure

In more sense than one.. Sometimes, it gives you a certain sense of peace and calm on knowing that the other person also suffered ...

ahista ahista

Originally by Jagjit singh, sung all over again by Asha..

This album (Asha) I have to say is mind blowing! Pure Magic !!!.........

Sarakti jaye hai rukh se naqab ahista ahista
nikla aa raha hai aftab ahista ahista

Jawaan hone lage jab woh to humse kar liya parda
haya yakhlaqt aayi aur shabab ahista ahista

Shab-e-furqat ka jaga hoon farishton ab to sone do
kabhi fursat mein kar lena hisaab ahista ahista

Woh bedardi se sar kate amir aur main kahun unse
huzur ahista ahista janab ahista ahista

Thought for the day...

Just as you write someone off as being the ever insensitive creature, wham! You are hit right between the eyes with a gesture or conversation which drips with the kind of sensitivity and vulnerability you always always wished you had seen a part of...
Its weird isn't it, some guys have that perpetual coat around them of being extremely self sufficient in every which way, which includes emotionally, socially and what not.. But there is always this one woman who will bring them down to their knees and there is that moment when they will even admit that they r down on their knees..
Believe it or not, we women always are on a look around for that one guy just like that. Its a question of who breaks whose shroud of indifference first..In case of girls, its easier to do that because its a put on. More often than not, we are not indifferent at all, we may pretend to be. And it takes only a little time for men (ok let me rephrase that, men whom we want to pursue..) to break down that wall and get thru to the inner you, the vulnerable you. But believe me its much much tougher for women to do the same with men..
Lets face it, we all walk around with that smug- 'I am doing pretty well, thank you' look all the time. But there is something screaming inside of all of us which craves for that someone we can be, well.. , ourselves with..
Its usually a person of the opposite sex who fills that void within us...Friends are always there but this is different, this is altogether on a different level.. This is magical...This almost goes ahead to prove why men need women and vice versa..
But anyways I digress (ok, I do that quite often now a days), there was this side of someone I hadn't seen almost ever.. In all the years that I have known the person, in all those degrees of intimacy we shared, never.. Or at least thats what it seems like...Its a totally different side, its almost like there is some hint of sensitivity hidden somewhere. Something i would have probably loved to see years ago but didn't. Now, i do realize that you need somebody who will do that to you, bring that out in you, especially if its not a natural reflex.
And that person was not me..
But I am glad nonetheless..

ranjish hi sahi

ranjish hi sahI dil hi dukhane ke liye aa
Aa phir se mujhe chhod ke jane ke liye aa

kis kis ko batayen_ge judai ka sabab ham
tu mujh se khafa hai to zamane ke liye Aa

ik 'umr se hun lazzat-e-giriya se bhi mahroom
Ai rahat-e-jan mujh ko rulane ke liye Aa
[lazzat-e-giriyA=the pleasure of crying; ashk bahaane kaa sukh mahroom=stranger, devoid of]

mana ke muhabbat ka chhupana hai muhabbat
chupke se kisi roz jatane ke liye aa

jaise tujhe ate hain na ane ke bahane
waise hi kisi roz na jane ke liye aa


pehlE se marAsim na sahI phir bhi kabhI tO rasm-O-rahE duniyA hi nibhAnE ke liyE Aa [marAsim=tradition-bound, habitual, custom-dictated]

ranjish hi sahI dil hi dukhane ke liye aa
Aa phir se mujhe chhod ke jane ke liye aa

Music

I miss music in my life....
I miss singing..I don't find myself singing as often as I used to.. I think its gone.. maybe forever...

I am not sure why, maybe I do.. maybe I don't want to face that just yet..

But in case I don't really get back what I lost, in some sense I want to leave a trace... a print..
Not sure how.. Right now, I wonder what my children will see me as..will they ever see that side of me.. maybe not..

If they ever come across this, I want to tell them that their mum loved music. A lot more than it may seem now.
She used to sing like a maniac. Sing so much that your grandmother had to shut her up because she was forever singing.
She and her brother used to fight so much because she would forever hog the bathroom as that was her most favourite place in the world where she would just sing an shower for hours!
She was the lunch singer in her office as her colleagues would make her sing during lunch much to the dislike of the fellow people around :)
She and her friend won the first ever 'antakshri' competetion held in her company.
When she used to visit this friend's place over weekends, they would ask her to sing all their favourite songs..
:-) There was even a time when she visited the same friend's parents in hyderabad and invited her for their wedding anniversary. Now, it was a well organized party and she sang on the stage with Uncle and they all loved it :)
She doesn't sing that much really now a days.. but she really used to love to..

of love and such..

They say- be with the one who wants to be with you and rather than the one you can't seem to be without..

What can I say.. I agree..

Love is a funny thing.. and a complicated thing.. but more than anything else it makes us want to believe things we would not have otherwise.. In other words we become total suckers!
So is it good to be so totally suckerish and enjoy while it lasts, maybe.. but maybe not because in the long run, it could save you from hellish heartbreaks..

Nothings perfect in life, including d'uh life! Would you rather have 6 months of wicked passion than lifetime of bliss ?
Hmm debatable.. Definitely questionable.. But a whole lot depends on the kind of person you are..
Ok, I am sooo not focussed right now.. started with something and ahem.. here I am..
soooo... what was I saying...Hmm mua was talking about being with someone who wants to be with you more than anything else.. you may wonder why I am even in this weird philo state of mine..
Well... I wonder too.. but I guess its mainly because I for one am a staunch believer of the same verse.. and secondly coz I did say that to someone else today..

Well.. it wasnt taken so well I am guessing.. when you are telling somebody who's just had her heart broken that its better to be with somebody who does wanna be with you not otherwise, well.. its not such an easy thing to gulp down...
But how do I explain to her that this too shall pass.. and of course the fact that I am saying it because I truly beleive in it and seriously, i should know.. I was there...

Mal-adjusted

Hokay! For people wondering what happened to me after that -oh, I am so adjusting, blog! T'is not about that :p

Ever felt you are such a misfit and maybe you were born for a different life ? There are times in my otherwise mundane life that I let such thoughts drift thru my head.. (ya, cooky I know! :p)

Maybe its a case of grass is greener on the other side syndrome. But honestly speaking, I think it runs deeper in my case.. Its not just about how my life could have been kinda ruminations but my life should have been like this kinda stream of thought.. Comprehendo ? Na ?
Ok, Lemme break it apart and explain maadi....

Here I was, a simple girl (ok maybe not sooo simple), in IT working on a particularly (so called) important project. Am more or less conventional in my ways and completely aware of what I am and what I am totally not capable of.
Since afternoon today, I have had this horrible feeling of having taken up something I am not capable of doing. (believe me, that does not happen very often. I am quite manipulative enough to get what I want and I am inclined towards things that I know for sure I am good at..) So, it starts with this sinkin feeling that I have bit more than I can chew and there is just too much pressure.
It goes on a self evaluation mode where I am thinking of long and short term objectives and how if not now, 2 years down the line I would have to (or at least be expected to) take up certain responsibilities professionally.

But.... (ok, here's the catch).... instead of continuing the sane and matured train or thought, i am sidelined by the cooky side of me, which by all means confuses me like hell!

I start thinking about whether I am really doing what I want to be doing. Whether any of this is worth it and helps me go where I want to go. Ok that brings me to the million dollar question, where do I want to go ?

There's this line that I read a few years back and it keeps playing in my head like a daemon process (:p)- If you don't have a destination in mind, you can take anywhich road you want (or some such thing but thats the gist of it)

So, with that background, if I don't know where I wanted to go, am I goin this way because I just landed there or is there still a chance to span out, explore ?

Interesting isn't it! To add to my woes, the quirky side of me then takes over and does a RCA (root cause analysis) and says that you were so not meant for this life! Thats it!

Maybe, I should have been a painter, a wandering artist or I dunno, this wild thing in a flowing skirt! Thats what I realy see myself as you know, if I had to paint a mental picture of myself, thats what it would be.. In a black top and multicolored gypsy skit with a flower in my hair behind my ears (:p), maybe playing a guitar, in some place which very closely resembles a beach shack..

Amazing isn't it!

solpa adjust maadi

I am actually learning to adjust :)

Flashback 2 years ago I was this snob, spoilt wildflower (:p) who would just refuse to adjust in this otherwise maladjusted world ! (Whoa)
Cut back to present, doing all too well and loving it :))

Wisdom that came with age I think ! (philisophy too!) But seriously, feels wonderful to see that I have progressed from the self involved person I used to be to the socially sensitive person I see myself as today :)

Adjusting with new friends
Adjusting with in laws
Adjusting with stupid colleagues (ok fine, just colleagues !)
Adjusting with apartmentmates without any hassles.. (thats a huge thing on my list!)
Adjusting to the new city

Verry proud I say

Yux and more yux !

Relationships- swear, the day i start understanding some dynamics in this world, I would call it a day an just bury myself underground!
Like, what is with guys and prev relationships? I am amazed at how adaptive they are as it is moving on in life from one person to another. Its even more amazing how they can dig out details you would rather choke than reminisce about..

I am constantly amazed...I mean how do they do it ? Is there like a channel flick button in them which just erases all previous memories and switches over to the next channel.?
I do not understand.. And they call women uncomprehensible (or is that incomprehensible?)! Jeez !

Reminds me of that episode of sex and the city (yes, I have mentioned this one before) - ex and the city, where the girls talk about their exes and how diff or easy it is to move on and co-exist in this world.. I think despite all the lovin and givin around us, I tend to agree with Miranda when she says - "I am not the - we loved, you enriched my life, now go prosper.. kind. I am more the - we didn't work out, you need to not exist !.. kind" !! I so totally agree.

This world should just be like that.. This whole co-existense is bull shit.. Somehow at some insane insane level, there are connections and associations, so who are we trying to kid here !

Anyways, I digress.. Men ! Huh !! We could do so well without them !!! (ok, no sweetie, I don't mean you, i am sayin this for the rest of the species :p )

Monday morning thought..

A lovely weekend.. A monday seems justified if your weekend has been good or will be good :) In my case, stand corrected both ways..
Had a wonderful weekend and have a super weekend comin up ! Woo hooo !

A dear friend came down to visit and help me settle in. It felt really good to see him after I think almost an year and a half ! Did truck loads of shopping and visited another friend :) Yup, its been a weekend of catching up with ol' friends..

Sat and chatted away a whole afternoon. Felt like one of those classroom breaks, where you just sit an talk about everything under the sun :) Brought back warm memories..

Ever felt that the day to day life esp the office makes you put up a face day in and day out ? I do... really. Behind all that professional face and formal attitude there is a perky 26 year old somewhere who like to fool around, maybe jump up an down a bit :-) I saw that side of me after a looooooong time over the weekend.. Felt good to just be myself an jump around an scream :p
Maybe thats what friends are for.. for bringing out the real you .....

Sigh

Tired would an understatement to describe my frame of mind currently. Last 2-3 weeks have been disastrous to say the least..Travel plans depite my very vehemant protests, in laws visiting, MIL falling sick, ignoring my neck pain only to realize much later that it had already blown into a severe condition, construction work, misc work an finally the travel an settling down in a new city!
A little too much, wouldn't you think? And all packed in a couple of weeks..
Really, if I just had a teeny weeny wand that could put things right... I would just....hmm.. umm.. swishh.. swoooshh....

Ok, thats just wishful thinking.. But honestly, I really wish for like a 'comma' if not a 'semi colon' in my life right now. Its just getting a little too much to take..
So many things I would like to change, so many things I would like to do...

Take a break for work an just squat at home for about 3 months
Take a long vacation or a cruise
Join a gym!
Go for physiotherapy
Forget about work and most of all about this stupid company I work for
Go shopping
Visit friends
Read more books
Sit in the sun
Go to the beach
and most of all... actually live with hubby like Normal couples do !!

For the moment..

"The breeze beckons a memory. A curl of air floats with it happily..."

Food and more food.

Thats one thing that immediately comes to my mind when I think of my MIL. She's a chronic feeder :-) She comes from the school of people where you are the nurturer of the family and their needs come first. A very selfless gesture i am sure but something I could never understand or relate to. Maybe mothers are meant to be selfless, I mean all of them are to whatever extent. But there is just something thats just so difficult to digest about such behavior.

Maybe only I feel it and that too because I am quite quirky to begin with :p and also the fact that my mum comes from slightly different school of caring/nurturing. Maybe its also a lifesytle thing. Mum's always been a working woman, a single mother at that, something thats not at all easy on you or the family. So, her culinery skills have been more short/swift/shortcuts variety. No complaints mind you, I love whatever she cooks. Most of what I have learnt is from watching her cook in a rapid but perfect manner. Though I may never admit in front of her, but she has always always made sure that there is enough food at home when we came back from school, yum snacks dime a dozen and not to mention impromptou things she would always experiment with. Experimentation is a part and parcel of our kitchen, I have never known her go by a few weeks without trying out a new dish giving it whacko names :-) But thats my mom...

She has never waited on us on tables nor tolerated every whim and fancy of mine or bro's. It was a practical household where we would eat on time and eat healthy. There was no question of getting a glass of juice because we felt like having juice or anything of that sort. Whims needed appropriate notices and maybe over weekends we would get to see some action ;) But it was a life that I felt was extremely healthy and inducted so much of independence in us since we were kids. I remember making my own porridge, serving myself and eating all by myself even when I was a mere toddler and it was encouraged.

Cut to present, I am a part of a family where serving is a customary thing. But customary is probably not a good choice of words as except for my MIL, i haven't seen anybody else doing it at home. Maybe because rest of them are men! I don't know, that could be a reason.. They are all fairly independent so to speak but somehow basic things are still left for the womenfolk (read MIL here) to do. I find it extremely uncomfortable at times. I have never been asked to move even a little finger to do anything but seeing her do just about everything makes me slightly mad! Tried screaming at her saying please do not serve me at least, I can definitely manage. Got scolded by hubby in return because he believes that it gives her joy to take care or people and serve etc etc and I am actually depriving her of that!! :O Anyways, broached the topic one time myself with her but was given a disdained look which said, what are you saying, its not like I am doing any work, its my family and I am making sure they are happy and well fed etc etc.

I agree with the sentiments and even appreciate it. But its disconcerting nonetheless. I wonder if hubby and his bros have gotten very used to it. Its slightly disconcerting because me and maybe my future co-sis's may not agree or even share the same sentiments..As I ponder over how the dynamics will be when I will have to stay with them over a prolonged period, I am further inching towards apprehension wondering about what values/attitude my children will pick up. At the end of the day honestly speaking, this is not the kind of example I want to set. I want them to be independent in all respects and not expect anybody to wait on them. With all due respects to motherhood, its just not right. As much as they claim to love it I personally feel its because that their set way of life and probably a lack of having done anything differently.

Potter Mania

Its amazing how much furore a children's book can generate... But I guess with HP, we are speaking of a book which is not ordinary in any sense and has readers spanning generations :-)

Newspapers and magazines were full of nothing else but the hype around the new book and the demand figures and of course the twist in the new book ! (A beloved character's death). Read the book myself over the weekend, decided to take the plunge and buy the book the day it released. Bro laughed his guts out when I told him it costed me around 700/- (after discount ;)). I smirked and said that is probably the cheapest you can get it for right now! O, how deluded I was...

Yesterday's news was buzzing with piracy of the book and how peddlers (young children at that!) were selling it at Mumbai traffic signals for almost 1/4th the price I paid for it!! I am appalled! Partly a feeling of immense stupidity and partly indignition at the fact that Bro was right! Mmmfffpppttt :p

The whole episode made me very uncomfortable and I started wondering why things are the way they are. I remember when I was a kid, we regularly subscribed to Tinkle and dilligently scrounged for ACK's (Amar Chitra Katha for the uninitiated). These were affordable Indian monthlies for children. Mum used to get me new or used Enid Blytons and other Phoeren books on a regular basis (depending on my behavior of course) :-)

Basically, it was acceptable to ask for books to be bought if they were supposedly spectacular or brand new..Zooming to today, I am a little apprehensive of the same statements. Is it Acceptable for parents to be asked to buy books like Harry Potter for 700-800?? That is steep no matter from which angle you look at it! Is that even a price for middle class families to shell out for a story book? I am thinking not!

So, are these books only aimed for children from families who can afford them? I do not understand that.. The main intention for a children's book as well as a so called social responsibility for publishers like Penguin, India, should be to make it in the reach of educated children all over irrespective of their socio-economic background. I wonder whats happening really..

I can well imagine the plight of a parent whose child comes home saying his/her friend has the new Potter book and he/she wants it as well. I can very well imagine the child's face when told that its out of question as its not affordable and maybe a suggestion to borrow it from friends. I totally support borrowing books from friends, sharing books has been a long standing tradition among children but thats really not the point here. The point is that children being children, are beyond concepts like economical disparity. A basic tendency of a child with a new object, whatever it may be, is to flaunt it. For reasons unknown, we all do it when we are kids, or have seen other kids doing it (if you are among the few with some sense not to show off :p)

Don't such books actually promote something like that? I believe so. And its sad, especially when you see that in the end, there is a certain segment of children who will probably not get ride in this wave of the recent Potter Mania.

Having said that, I wonder if Piracy is really such an evil as its made out to be, in cases like these, wouldn't you really be tempted to buy one of the paperbacks just because its within your reach? I see myself tending to that at least, as I am sure did a lot of people who bought over 10k books last 2 days since the pirated version has been out..Brings the eternal question back doesn't it- Whether inflation and piracy are the two sides of the same coin. As long as one exists the other will certainly. In a country like India, unless you make things within the reach of the everyday men/women, there will always be a cheaper/fake version of it as there will always be people venturing to produce these commodities and there will always be a market for the same !..

ps: Please do not interpret this as an endorsement for Piracy, I do not like the phenomenon myself, I am just musing aloud the cause and effect theory involved in it :-)

Book Tagging

Taking cue from all the book tagging going on, I venture forth to put out my list:

Books owned so far: Approx 210 so far. Unfortunately lost my whole adoloscent/growing up collection while shifting from Delhi and not to mention all the books lent out to people who never returned them.. grrrrr!

Book that I am reading currently: The Amulet of Samarkand by Jonathan Stroud

Books bought off-late: Bartimeus trilogy by Jonathan Stroud, 1st to die by James Patterson, One false move and Tell no one by Harlan Coben. Book that I will purchase this week: Harry Potter and the half blood prince :-)

Books that I can read any given time of the day: Any PG Wodehouse !

Zimbly proud of: My collection of 'almost' the entire Agatha Christie books ever written (except the short stories and novels under any other names) and my collection of 'almost' the entire PG Wodehouse books written (except the short stories and golf stories). As you can see, I am not really a fan of short stories :p

:-)

changing weather

Shuttling from one time zone to the other. Does not do me any good whatsoever! I am constantly fighting jet lag. With age i think my immunity system is shot down, i seem to be affected by even the slightest change in the weather. Drives me nuts!

But nowadays I am mostly bewildered by this sense of total self involvement. Eeverything seems to revolve around home an hubby. Maybe this is what marriage does to you. Maybe its for good , maybe not too much. Not so sure anymore.

Forgot a friends birthday yesterday. Feel awful about it. More often than not give myself credit for remembering things and dates. But i guess not anymore. Thinking about it, with life changing so rapidly, can you really have track of just about everything? I am guessing not. But who knows, defnitely not me. I am sure there are people who do it all the time. But honestly speaking with so little time nowadays for yourself and even lesser for friends, unless you are in the inner circle or rather the constantly in touch types, I guess friends tend to fade away... Its sad I know, but i also know its true coz I can see that happening.
Eventually you will just become one of those online contacts on the messenger who just buzz you when they see you online which could really be anything frm everyday to once in 6 months. Or else you will fade away to that number on the cell which you scroll by one day while finding another and you remind yourself to give him/her a buzz sometime.

Its really sad..I guess its also a reality check of sorts because it kinda tells you to pave path for tomm. If you don't want to fade away, pick up that phone now and call that friend you always keep putting off due to lack of time. Lack of time is really the lamest of excuses! Meet up with friends more often. Decide which friend you do want to keep and ones that you can aford to buzz once in 6 months and still be ok with it. Coz if you don't make a conscious choice, you may just fade away from their life sooner than you can think..
Oh, did i forget to mention that it has to work both ways :-)..

Bangalore re-visited

(Completely forgot to post this in my own blog site :) It has been on DSS for a while tho')

Despite my ever true love of bangalore, i find myself questioning as to why do people still want to move to this city? I mean, i get all that funda about a cool and happening city (with all due respects to apna dilli an mumbai) but how come simple day to day things don’t seem to matter to these people? I can agree if left with no choice like a job here or relocation, but i wonder how many of these newbies even thought of an alternative city!
I sound extremely nasty I know, but it infuriates me to no extent seeing this lovely city going to dogs like this.. What used to be a calm and peaceful pentioner’s paradise is a city threatening to burst at its seams right now. Every possible road is jammed with people rushing in everywhich direction. There are problems at all levels. Whether its the city’s infrastructure, which, let’s face it, was never meant to accomodate 1 billion as it claims to now! Whether its the city’s meandering theme which is isolating the regional/local citizens in one corner where they really get confused about their belonging. Its all this and more.
I don’t think the development authority even for a second ever considered that the development if at all, has to keep pace with the every growing need of the city and not meeting their own manifested deadlines!Roads, if at all they can be called that, are so choked that people have actually stopped driving if they can afford to do so. I had recently been to one of my office locations slightly outside the city and was quite shocked to see so many cars with chauffers/drivers. Something like that was quite unheard of unless of course you drive like a Merc or something. But now, it actually makes sense to people because they can at least land at work peacefully, sans the irritation and road rage which btw has become a very common observation around here.
Every single body complains about the situation (your truly included) but I wonder how many of us really tell somebody, you know what, its not really a very good city for living right now. Or maybe they do! And maybe despite that people continue pouring in.
I know, I really sound quite anti-social, but its a truth which we have to face sooner or later. This city wil soon be deemed unfit for living. Right now, bangalore is the 2nd polluted city in India. There was a columnist who recently wrote that all there are these parents who educate their children about the ill-effects of smoking but do not realize that your child standing at even a signal outside their school in bangalore is inhaling much more dangerous and potent fumes.
I love the city, believe me, I do. Didn’t quite when we moved in 10 years ago, but now there is nowhere I would rather call home. But I have consciously decided to dissuade any new people, if they are talking of moving/buying property in this city. It can’t take it and sooner everybody realizes this, the better.

Phew! That felt good!

Writing in the rain..

Sounds extremely funny I know, but it may just come true in a matter of minutes. Raining cats and dogs here and our office ceiling (false ceiling at that) threatening to give away anytime! Water is already pouring in thru AC ducts and roof sprinkler outlets :-))
Its funny when you think about it, my friends on IM asking me why i am still sitting here :p But it gives me a tingle of adventure nonetheless, a spark of something different in my otherwise mundane life ;-)

grumble grumble

mutter mutter... baaaahh ...

Lethargy at its peak and absolutely not even an ounce of energy. Is it the relentless banaglore summer? Is it the joblessness? Is it the fact that I am taking each day of this long distance marriage as it comes and slowly getting irked by having to make long distance calls for every small thing? Is it because i love litchies and they are bloody 120 bucks a kilo!!!? Is it because there are no good movies? Is it because there is not even 1 ml of anything remotely resembling creative juices flowing anywhere in my body? Is it because of all the useless weight I am putting on eating stuff I dont need to and do it just because? Is it because I am booooooooored!!!

:-)
Ha, that actually felt good..

wait....., oh no !..

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....................

Conversations with myself...

The mind is a funny thing.. Ok let me re-phrase that. The human mind is a very funny thing. It progresses with time, it grows with age, it matures with experiences.. But it still longs for old times.. For good or bad.. or sad or happy times. Its sad that it can even crave for time that were not so good. It latches on to that one memory or for that matter even a couple an says-'no , i long for that! Can you give me that?' And I say 'No'. I cannot. No matter how long ago it was, no matter how gray, no matter how sunny, no mattter how young, no mattter what. No, I cannot give you that.
There is reason I am and you are the way you are. That reason still holds good. If it was meant to be circa 1999, it would be.
But it is not. Things change, people change. Lives change...

Maybe I am being melodramatic.. shut up rads! Look ahead.. look at the life you chose, look at the bright side..

Looking....

But.. can i get somethings from back then ? Ok, maybe just one thing then ? Can i ? Maybe a friend frm old days, maybe that spunk that was there ? Maybe a spark ? Can i ?

No, you cannot and you know that ..Why do you need any of those ? You were doing good even otherwise rt ? You chose to let them go dear. You cannot make the same decisions again in life.

Yes, I know. I am happy right now.. at least for most parts.. But I miss some of those.. there are times when i feel alone and I dont have what i had back then..

You have so much more..You have everything that you really wanted!!

Ya, I do.. but...

No.. You cannot do this. Life is as you make it to be. You always knew you could always choose your path and life and you are doing good in fact..

Ya, I guess I am.. Given everything ..I am happy.. Just these fractional moments when heart longs for certain things..There are things which will always always mean a lot.. time spent with your girlfriends, that one cell phone number you can call rain or shine, that spunk which makes you do these things you did years and years ago, evenings where you can just be yourself and let loose. .All that and some more..

oh shut up Rads!

sing along!

Anybody heard of the song 'jab nahin aaye the tum'? Posted the lyrics a few days back here :-)
Its just sooooo stuck in my head!

I haven't had a song stuck for this long ever! I really don't know why, its not really like a masterpiece or anything nor is catchy enough.

But what it is, is exteremly endearing with really sweet lyrics.. There are 2 versions of the song for the uninitiated. One actually sung by Kareena Kapoor and one by Kavitha Krish. Out of the 2 suprisingly i prefer the one by kareena. Its really sweet, sung decently and actually gives you the feeling of a young girl just singing to herself. The mood created is perfect.
And I will definitely give her the credit for singing it quite decently. I hadn't realized that it was a difficult song till i started humming it myself! The song itself is not that diff and if a diff singer had sung it, probabably would have made a hell of a lot of a difference. But the sheer reason that instead you have to follow how kareena has sung it is compelling enough. You can sense this a lot more when you listen to the other version by kavitha. There are places where even her voice is sounding stretchy to keep up with the song and keeping it as close to the original version by kareena.
But all in all, sheer pleasure to listen to this song :-) Definitely recommended!

bicker bicker..

Last week hubby and I talked about my ex after a long time. Well, its not like he was ever a fav topic of convo or anything but we had our usual exes convo long back. Its been ages since then and then suddenly his name came up. I really can't remember why or how. It just did. But it didn't feel that awkward to talk about him. In fact I felt ok telling hubby about his new gf and how things had been. Ok, maybe feeling ok was a bit of exaggeration, lets just say it was relatively easier than before. We have always maintained an open view of my previous relationship but its not always easy to talk about certain things isn't it?

Coping with an ex is never an easy job. Esp if the relationship was complicated or spanning a few years. Things get murkier if it wasn't a summer fling or that teen romance. Unfortnately for me, it was a mix of just about all that. Some good times and some very bad times. Time when i realized I had grown up, times when I realized he was moving on. All very very complicated. There is still a lot of spite. Surpisingly so because its all seems so much like a life i no longer recognize anymore. But its very disconcerting to see myself swinging between the two extremes of indifference and spite. Unlike me in some ways but also a lot like me when you think deeply.
I was chatting with Mr ex. the other day and it was a very casual conversation, almost bordering on making a polite conversation and suddenly from somewhere was this statement which reeked of "Thats so typical of you". I got busy soon after that and let it slip but it got lodged somewhere in my head and disturbed me later when I was alone and musing.
A previous relationship especially when you don't want to have anything to do with the person can be shut deep down and forgotten. But there are things which you can't get away from. Something as inherent as spending a few years with somebody directly implies the person knows you for what you are and thats something you can't refute. It was someone you had spent time talking about hopes and dreams. Someone you grew up with over time. These are somethings you cannot run away from and I was trying to fight a losing battle over this.
I guess things might be easier if it was not nasty and both parties parting amicably. Sigh.. thats worse than wishful thinking, thats wishful thinking in past tense !!

Have i grown up since then ? yes.. have i become a better person since then? Yes... Am i better off now? More than ever. I am at a state happiest than ever before in my life. Did I do the right thing? Most definitely. That would have been the worst mistake of my life and I would not be married to the single most adorable person in the world!

I cannot even relate to what i felt in those days but yes, a part of me misses the person I was back then. Of course I cannot wish to be 22 again :-) But yeah, life has changed in more ways than one. Looking back I see someone different from this person I see in the mirror now a days. When I turn back, I see this girl full of life, hyperactive and extremely impulsive. Life was all about instant decisions and things done in the blink of an eye. Do I miss that? maybe, maybe not.. all those things make me a wiser person today. I am still impulsive but I do pause for a moment to take stock, something I never did in those days. But somewhere that hyperactive girl ready for anything at a moments notice is definitely gone. ..Maybe I am growing up, maybe its all a part of life and this is how its meant to be.
But why is there a vague sense of unsettling? Why is there so much spite? I don't know. Maybe time is the answer.
Maybe I have too much of it :p Maybe thats the problem right there!

Jab nahin aaye

Jab nahin aaye the tum
tab bhi mere saath the tum
dil mein dhadkan ki tarah, tan mein jeevan ki tarah
meri dharti mere mausam mere din raat the tum
jab nahin aaye the tum...

phool khilte the to aati thi tumhaari khushboo
har hasin shaam jagati thi tumhaara jadoo
aaine mein mere har din ki mulakaat the tum
dil mein dhadkan ki tarah, tan mein jeevan ki tarah
meri dharti mere mausam mere din raat the tum
jab nahin aaye the tum...

adhmundhi aankh mein sajta hua ek khwaab the tum
pehli barsaat mein bheega mahtaab the tum
hont mere the magar inki har ek baat the tum
dil mein dhadkan ki tarah, tan mein jeevan ki tarah
meri dharti mere mausam mere din raat the tum
jab nahin aaye the tum...

a small note

Hi Dear,

Its not often that you tell people how much they mean to you. But thats not right is it ? We don't need those special occasions, those crisis situations, those mid night calls to realize some people's significance in your life. But yes, life is sometimes too racy for your own good. Its too self absorbing and throws more things at you than you can probably grapple at one time. There are time I admit when you lose sight of things, even if they are closer to your heart than you can actually imagine.
You are one of those people in my lives. There are times when you need reminders, as much as i dislike to say that. Today it was an amalgamation of 2 things which just happened by chance. Reading 't'is tea-time folks' and almost at the same instant my real player picked up 'khamosh raat' in a random play :-)

It was a whirlwind of memories flashing before my eyes..Times of joy, times when new friends were made, times when as you said social bearing sent to wind, times when impromptu fun was the order of the day, times when having fun was a way of life, times of heartbreaks, times of stolen joys, times which brought people together for some reason, reasons which even today are beyond my realm of comprehension :-)

Looking back I can think of umpteen times when you probably needed someone but I was too busy. Too busy with work, too busy with hubby, too busy with other friends, too busy with about a hundred other things. For all this and more I apologize. I know you will probably never admit being lonely and needing a friend beside you. I know you like to pretend to be all in control an strong an all that jazz. But you know as well as I do that its all self preservation tactic. :-)

I know that you know deep down that you can just pick up the phone and call me day or night. But I also know that you will never do it. I know you will always think twice before asking me for my time now. I just want to tell you that the day I realize that i don't have time for you anymore is the day i give up on myself as a friend and i promise that will not happen!

As much as it pains to think that, we progress in life and we lose sight of so many things in life which are so important to us, there are things (thankgod for soft copies!) that gives us a small chance to regain/restore things. I am going to assume you don't mind me quoting something from 'tea time':

"You may pick up the phone, briefly wonder, and put the receiver down without calling: ‘She’s not alone anymore and may not be that eager to drop in to make Saturday lunch for us while I use the handy-cam on her’. We will soon prefer letting down ‘a fling of a wish’ in the interest of social stability.


Sometimes, I feel that it is not fair on the human mind to grapple with so much nostalgia. To handle so much pain. It is so much better to simply carry on without having to bother about the past. But what good is that, I wonder? What does it give us from life? Do we really long for simple peace and sanity or does the slightly-unpredictable excite us? Don’t we love the feeling of being swept off our feet into the clouds? An impulsive move that could take us places? It is for each one of us to decide, each one of us to figure what we really, truly want. For one must never forget – we only have one life to live.



But wherever life takes us hence, we all know that we have deliriously enjoyed these years which we have spent together. I am certain that deep in our hearts we will treasure these times for a long, long time - as times spent with friends and beyond, times where we discovered so much more of ourselves and life itself, times spent in togetherness and learning and love…



But they say that we should not put our arms around a memory and we must listen to them - we must move on."

Thanks KPB for everything you bring to my life just being there as one of my best-est friend :-)

Thought for the day..

Thinking about patriotism today. Some will say its is an overrated thing and too much said about it already. I think somewhere the thought stemmed from listening to songs from 'Swades'.

I am not given to the patriotic debate about what should be and what shouldn't be. It is a very personal thing as far as I am concerned. No one but no one has the right to comment about your personal preference or choice to stay within or outside your country. Our lives take us places we probably don't even want to go and sometimes just sometimes, to places we want to. But thats a different matter altogether.

Everybody talks about how the country needs you and I sit and wonder how ? How really does the country need me? Does it really matter if one person out of x billion chooses to live outside of his/her country ? I guess not.!
I mean, with so many people, what percentage do you really contribute to? Do you personally make a difference to any socio-economic strata/factor of your country?
Nopes, I am still coming up with all negatives here.

There are also debates about working for MNC's. There are people within the country who choose to work for MNC's. In a way it works for the economy but really is that the only reason? Reasons range from better salaries, better lifestyle even better work culture. And all of that is true and you can't get away from it. When you have people making such choices within the country, can you even start about people who chose to live outside the country ?

There are people who went out for various reasons ranging from education, employment and what not. Chose to settle down there for various reasons again. Can you really question any of the those personal choices ? Read a few blogs about how much they miss their own country (when there are cricket matches and festivals going around..) and questioning themselves about whether they did a right thing.

Makes me wonder. Way back, I had made up my mind that there is no place like home. I am a very strongly rooted person and very close to my family. It is difficult for me to even imagine living in a diff city from family, forget country! Thankfully my husband shares my choice. After living in the states for 4 years, he had the option open of course, but like me he believes that home is where family is, where friends are, where people speak the same language as you, where people crowd outside even a small TV repair shop to watch a cricket match, where shopping still means going to this overcrowded and narrow street somewhere in the city, where familiarity means even your local store waala remembering that its time for your next 5 kg bag of rice, where chaos means in peak traffic your vehicle not moving an inch but that doesnt stop you from honking away to glory coz somewhere it gives u an innane sense of satisfaction, where festivals mean the whole street buzzing with activity and you don't need to got to any other place to feel the pulse-you just need to step out of your house...

I could go on and on.. maybe this is patriotism, maybe i am patriotic deep down. And its mostly because of a sense of belonging rather than all the high talk about contributing to the society.

Also having said that i revisit my earlier statement about my contribution to the socio-economic spehere. When i dig deep down, i realize that in some roundabout way I provide a portion of income to various people by just being there! You may wonder who.. well the doodh waala, paper waala, cable waala, departmental store waala, kaam waali bai, beauty parlor, tailor, auto waala and so on.... actually its a huge list and i have not even covered 1/3rd of it.
I think thats sufficient contribution to enough households.. :-)

So, am i justifying the cause? What cause? I don't think cause is what really counts here. I just chose to live where i do because plain and simple I Love it!!

ps: I understand that it is quite a sensitive topic and swear to god, not intended to spark any controversies or debate. Just some musing and of course very personal.. IMHO types :-)

Stupid or magnanimous

Hmmmppphh ! Weird comparison I know..
But right now it could be either of them...

I could really be stupid. (high probability my friend :p)
Or maybe I am just being the bigger person here and trying to have a decent conversation.

Wonder which..

Thats the whole catch 22 situation. You will never really find out till...hmm ok i am losing it.!

Not even worth writing about.. But then again why am i doing this ??

*scratch my head, ponder ponder

Yippee doo

A perfect weekend ! I mean really perfect.. Everything was just right from the begining to the end. :-)
For all those panic attacks I was having and all that bad time over wednesday and so on, everything just blew away on friday and the skies cleared up for the most perfect weekend :-))
Ok Ok, stop gushing Rads !
But seriously I can't ...I can't even remember the last gooood weekend I had. I mean when you do everything you really wanted to do and things go exactly as planned..

hmmm. Maybe last year sometime was the last time I had a weekend like that. Can you imagine what a state my life should be in if the last perfect weekend or even an above average weekend was sometime last year ! Boy o boy !
Phew.. Anyways, I am glad I had such a good time. Hubby was down for a few days and since i was bloody buried in work, the weekend was all we had to see new places, spent some quality time and let me just say we did all that and more :-) (shushh u naughty people, thats not what i mean :p)

Started with sunny blue skies which I personally hadn't seen since the time I landed here ;-)
Improved with my resolution to not even switch on my laptop and making it amply clear to my team that I am not even going to check mails from Friday to Sunday.
Believe me it does you so much good to just do that :-)
Visited the pier which was just so glorious and sunny. A few places downtown and of course the famous Devon ave :-)
Had a great time..

Wonder why its become so difficult off late to take time off and just enjoy ...

Not liking the day

I am supposed to like today. Hubby visiting and all that excitement but somehow it hasnt been a good day. Work wise and otherwise.
There is just too much work. My lead asking me to push it for this week but I can't bring myself to tell him I can't coz hubby's just here for 3 days and I am not even sure when I am gonna see him next :-((
Plus lot of background thought process happening in my head which i don't like. Well, I guess i like it when its something nice but today its just nasty.
Given an option between Forgive and Forget or Let them go to hell, what do you really choose ? hmmmm...
It is a tricky choice i mean !
I could be a nice person and be civil. But is that required ? Should I be the bigger person I always think I should be and just move on?
Do i really care ? Does it matter ?

It like this eternal tug between what really matters and what you would like to be.

I am not liking the tone of this particular convo I am having. Its a weird state between ol times an I am in a different place now time.
Ok, now i am not even making sense anymore !! Good god. Whats happening to me??!!

Aaaargggghhhh. And you know whats infuriating? There is nobody to talk to. As in there are lots of people I could talk to but not one, get this, not One, i would like to talk to about this.

Am I weird or what!?

How do you really transgress from sweet understanding girl to the cold calculative b-i-t-c-h. And believe me, a part of me actually wants to be one..

I dont want to be sweet! I dont want to be understanding! I just want to rip somebody apart and not stop for a second to think where the person might be coming from.

Really, whats the whole hype about 'understanding where the person is coming from, step into someone else's shoes' blah blah blah !! Really do you want to do that all the times?

Aren't there just times when you choose not to do that and just wish somebody would just take a flying leap.

I am supposed to grow up an be wiser with age. How? How?

Over and out

Freakishly cold an feeling lazy in this city of Schaumburg, slightly outside Chicago..
Its more lethargy than anything else that has resulted in this disappearance from my own blogsite, forget even visiting other people's!
Come on Rads, wake up !!
brrrrrrrrrrrr.. no thank you :p !

ps: Has anybody given much thought to this music director called Sandesh Shandilya. I for one hadn't but after listening to a few of his number, I have to admit this gentleman is extremely talented! He has given some simply amazing numbers for Socha na tha (this new obscure movie but actually quite a pleasant surprise package as it was nice), Rules- pyaar ka superhit formula, Road and not to mention a few songs from K3G !!

Thats an impressive score for a short record of 5 movies or so..Do listen to songs from Socha na tha if you guys can esp.
Abhi abhi mere dil mein: This is such a cute an peppy song.. Really makes u call up ol frnds an making plans to hang out :-)
Main seedhe saadhe - This is one of those really rare musical kinda numbers where the guy is proposing to the girl in a song and the lyrics are endearingly sweet.

Ok, that was a looooong ps :-) Anyways before I sign off by saying toodle doo, just a note to say that am currently addicted to this song called Tauba Tauba from 'Kaal' and it ROCKS !

Highly recommended

Don't say this as often as I should but people, Blogging is the way to go!!

5 top reasons why you should (according to me) :

1. It keeps you sane during all crazy times- It helped me personally to wade thru my crisis days!
2. It brings you new people in your life- When you desperately wanna get away from the same old people and routine, this is the best place to be where you can glimpse at other people's lives thru their words.
3. You can meet a whole lot of people- Some of the sweetest people I have come across are my online/sulekha/blog buddies.
4. Brings you solace and comfort in the weirdest ways- Kept me from being all homesick and lonely during the time I was living all alone in US. Believe me, being single and staying alone in the states can cause a lot of panic attacks!
5. Creates a whole new world for you- My online world is a very very special space for me. I can get away from cranky husband, irate manager and whacko friends and just be at peace when I am blogging or reading other blogs.

ok, and a 6th one which is interlinked with all else is the sheer pleasure you undergo when one of your blog buddy is happy and at a nice place in her/his life :-))))

I am feeling like that right now!

Cheating

Its such a dirty word in every which way, isn't it? Or is it?

There are many an implication of it and of course everybody's definition is different. Some believe in what is convenient and some in what is 'suitable'.
What do I believe in? People who know me might even wonder why I am writing about something like this..I was talking to this friend of mine till wee hours of morning the other day and it was yet another instance of self realization for me. (Yeah, i have these things every now and then :p)
I realized that I take a strong stance in many a things in life. Suffice to say that I draw this black line (in bold) when in comes to certain things in life. Cheating or infidelity is one of those things I strictly draw a line against. Its something that in bold letters is etched in my head as 'Unacceptable'!

Chewing upon that much after, I also realized that even the action as such is defined differently by different people. A lot is implicit and clearly defined in a social paradigm where we have lines we have always learnt to draw. But what really made me wonder was the fact that in today's age of internet and non-co-dependent (patent pending on that word :p) lives that we lead, are the lines clearly defined?

Do we Really know where to draw a line when it comes to non-physical relationships with people? I guess the non conformance of such a thing could be called 'emotional cheating' ..

There are so many manifestation of these we see everyday around us but do we really pause for a moment to analyse it? I think its more common in people/couples who lead very independent lives or stay apart for long duration of times. (Ok, before anybody does a jumpdrive to innane conclusions, this is not a page from my life, its only what i see around me :-) )
There are couples I know, who are so involved in just each other that the world around is mostly a blur to them. And I am definitely not talking about such couples.

I am talking of working couples who have a very healthy social life and who have come to realize that too much of co-dependence is a tad bit overbearing. Also having said that, I am not talking about couples going out with other friends and not with their spouses. Whether its for a cup of coffee or a movie, I do believe if you are in a healthy marriage, its perfectly permissible to chose to go out once in a while with friends. (Please note I do mention 'once in a while' :-) Too much of that is also trouble)

So, where was i ? I was trying to figure

If you talk to a friend about some pressing problem and not to your spouse, is that cheating?
If you harmelessly flirt with somebody from the opp sex over a mail or chat (what you consider harmless of course), is that cheating?
Is it ok to talk to someone from the opp sex till wee hours of night even though you are committed?
and so on inlcuding probably the most important or all,
Is it ok if you are actually enjoying yourself without your spouse?

Are we really cheating on our better halves by indulging in one or all of the above?

I guess any one of these are not really as far fetched as we think. We can actually see these things all around us, especially when gender barriers are becoming obsolete and with weekend couples on rise.(Essentially the working ones who manage to catch up just on the weekends).

I think its easy to take a stance on a lot of such issues really because we feel certain things are 'ok' to do. I personally do not see anything wrong with going out for coffee or even dinner with a male friend even if you am committed/married, corresponding with your close male friends over chat and even using some terms of endearment. Maybe even done it.
But if the roles were reversed, would I really feel the same seeing my spouse indulge in it ? Maybe, maybe not. Guess a lot would depend on that 'faith' factor and of course the company also.
I don't think men are any different when it comes to such things. We always feel that women are the more green eyed of the two but believe me thats so not true.

Anyways, I digress. Ok, my 2 cents worth - I think any relationship should have rights and wrongs clearly established way ahead,so that each person understands the reality and repurcussions of crossing that line when faced with that choice. At the end of the day, its a question of personal choice between 2 individuals and no one outside the sphere of the relationship can ever judge or comment.

But, does that stop me from doing so ? naah :p

stuck!

I am so stuck in a rut!

Its like life for all practical purposes has gone on a slow motion overdrive.
Nothing I do or don't do makes it move any faster !
And of course clubbed with the fact that I have been so tongue tied or rather pen-tied in this case :p, I haven't blogged anything either..

aaarrrggghhh !

ps: I miss you

Woken up at about 8-ish in the morning (much to my chagrin), leo sayers crooning 'love you more than i can say'. First thought that comes to my head is- 'why has this person called me and then put me on hold?' !! I actually hang up !!
Ok, so thats my romance quotient for you folks!
Hubby dear calls me back this time and is careful enough to say hello after about 2 seconds of playing the song again cautiously :-)
Thats him, my ever romantic hubby :-)

My being almost quite non-romatically inclined doesn't deter him in anyway whatsoever. He's the kind who doesn't need an excuse or any special day to make me feel special. He laps any day, any event to make me feel completely cherished, be it with words or with numerous teeny weeny gifts he manages to pick and weave words around them to create magic !

This post is for him, for all that he has brought to my life and for all those thoughtful things he keeps doing.

Its mush an more mush all around today, FM blaring love songs since morning and people messaging to proclaim their love for each other. Look back at the time when this day was all about excitement, gifts, flowers, chocolates and not to mention those cliche teddy bears. Its not anymore :-) I think about all the messages that were read out on FM and think about all the people out there in love.

I wonder (a-la dil to pagal hai shahrukh khan)- how many of these will actually say the same thing next year to the same person. Call me cynical but this world is, in a way, quite cynicism evoking place :-) I think back on all those times when I might have heard this being said to me. But today, after all these years, I can completely truthfully and wholeheartedly say that I can actually feel it when hubby tells me he loves me..

Its not about the fun part in a relationship (which is important in its own way and is very appealing), its not about how similiar you are, its not about how much you feel you love the person, its not about what your friends say about him.But..

It is all about that sense of stability the person inspires in you,
its about how cherished the person makes you feel,
its about that hand over your shoulder when you suddenly felt alone,
its about that look in the eye which says- don't worry, I'll take care of it,
its about getting up at dawn to finish your personal/official work so that the whole day can be spent with the person you feel deserves that time of yours,
its about trusting someone in complete faith when you are oceans apart,
its about letting go when you can see that something is really important for the other person even if it means a little compromise on your part,
its about putting the other person's happiness before yours and taking comfort in the fact that in reality you are most happy when the other person is and not just on being able to do what you wanted to,
its about waking up together and knowing that each day will be better than the other,
its about the twang in your heart when the person is dissapointed about something and wishing you could give the world to him,
its about collective decisions, collective happiness, collective grief and that moment of realization where you figure that from now on its "We" and never "I"....

For all this and more, sweetie I thank you...

ps: and will try and forgive you for your parting words to my mum the day before we left for the wedding - "Aunty, don't worry, she is no longer your 'Problem'" !!!!
.......and the fact that you are like zillion miles away right now !!

26

Yup, thats the number :-) Turned 26 this wednesday.
It hadn't struck me till today that I have actually moved to the next slot in all age drop downs :p
Was filling out some online form today and realized I can no longer select 20-25 option any more :-))
To top it all my manager wanted me to update my resume and stretch the no. of years of experience bit a bit (ya, they do this often here :p ) So he goes like this

he: So, how many years of experience have you put in?
me: 5+
he: Can you strech it a bit?
me: 5 1/2? (smirk!)
he: Lets make it 6

He leaves and it strikes me that its not even an exxageration, this actually is my 6th year in this organization !
Maybe, it was not my imagination when some campus recruits last week called me 'madam' !
This friend of mine takes immense pleasure in rubbing it in that my life for all practical purposes is over, I am past quarter century, married and bought a house! Really, nothing left. In fact he called me up at 12 sharp on my birthday and goes "Happy Birthday dearie, so how does it feel to be 36??" !!
Hari, will kill you one of these days :-)))

wanted !

Searching my soul last night realized that I need new friends and more importantly a new best friend. You might ask why, considering its not like I am moving to a new planet or anything. Just that I figure out of the existing lot, some are busy, some fell out and some .. well, lets just say not very accessible right now. I am not complaining though, believe me. I am just trying to see how this whole thing works. Considering I have never before set out something like this before voluntarily, it needs a bit of thinking about.
All this soul searching made me think about this whole process of finding and making friends from its very inception. Flash back to kindergarten, things were simple. The person next to you could be your friend or even your 'best' friend if - they let you share their lunch box, they give you their pencil just coz you liked it , you both like to snicker a lot when someone asks you anything, if he or she lived in the same colony if not the same building, or even for the simple fact that they just sit beside you everyday.

I must say, we have come a long way since then. Things have gotten complicated somewhere along the way. I know some people who have been friends literally since they were in their diapers. They still are the best of friends till date. Then there are some who (ok like me) have a set of friends for every season, for every phase in life.
I believe in splitting your life in various phases. (of course makes it easier to remember also- hmm ya during that long hair phase of mine, oh ya during that rebellious phase of mine and not to mention some quite unmentionable ones :p). Looking back, I feel I have had friends for like every 4 years, as in a new set of friends. I am not saying all the old ones are gone and forgotten. Of course not, am still in touch with ol school buddies and catch up online pretty often. But of course we are talking about new ones that came by.

Made a few new friends last year, some really sweet ones. But they were all circumstantial so to speak, as in, i wouldn't have even met them if not for certain events. But ya, no complaints, I completely adore everything they stand for. But ya in a lot of ways, I was glad to see that I was open to finding new people to be a part of my personal sphere. Its not easy to assimilate new people into your lives at all. But somehow they all fit in, whether it was someone I could talk to way into wee hours of morning or the one at work who i bonded with mainly coz he was also an asian i think :p or they one i stayed with for almost a month, he was a real sweet guy! They all fit in so perfectly. I mean, you would normally think that as you grow older it becomes more and more difficult to make new friends, either because you are by then so set in your ways that you are not that open to new adjustments that new people bring in, or simply because as you make your way thru life you inclination and effort you want to spend meeting new people drastically reduces. I do thank god, it wasn't so and because of that, I have new friends who I exchange mails with or chat with every alternate day and it brightens my day!

Well, if there are so many people in my life, you might wonder I am still talking about making new friends. Well, as I said before, these are not accessible people ! hello ! So, ya, we have established that I need people around me who are accessible (ok, you know not just physically but also emotionally available). Being emotionally available is such a huge thing on top of my list now. Call it learning from experience or whatever, there is this friend of mine who is so bogged down by her personal problems (which I do not want to comment on), that the person is almost emotionally unavailable to most people. Its like life revolves around what happened and what should have happened. I am not judging here even for a moment but I do really and truly believe that you have to be ready to accept what life throws your way before expecting life to throw anything to you, being so preoccupied doesn't really help. anyways, lesser said about that the better.

So, now time to think about everything I want as qualities in the person, hmmm lets see I think most importantly I want somebody whose definition of friendship is closest to mine. I could rattle off about how a person should be but obviously its not a matrimonial column here and believe me you put up with lot less in a friendship :p (sorry honey) :-)

After all these years of making/keeping friends, i realize that i am still talking to people whose definitions are closer to mine than anything else. Its not about how we talk/interact with each other. Its not about what they have done for you and likewise. Its not about how similiar you are to each other in whatever ways. Its a little about what is acceptable to both of you and what is not. Its a little about what I think matters most in any relationship and the person feels at least 80% of that. A lot of relationships/friendships fall out (according to me) because there are certain things that are ok by you but are not ok by the other person. Of course you always have a right to comment/state your opinion but I think if I come across something thats so not ok with me, it somewhere crosses a small yellow line and borders on inducing judgement. I think how much ever you say your friends don't judge you, I think just about every individual in this world judges everybody else in one way or the other. Its just about the moral and social fibre your pysche is made up of. It forms the basic structure of anything in your mind and anything that completely disagrees with that, causes a conflict to some extent. How you chose to deal with it is entirely up to you. Some people can contain it much better than others believe me. There is this friend of mine who is a super listener according to everybody. Does that mean she agrees and empathises with all that you say with every nod of her head? Certainly not, a lot of times she might even say that when talking about someone but she is just built like that, someone who listens and looks apparently quite non judgemental!
Lesser conflicts are the building blocks for a good friendship. At this juncture of our lives, we Are quite set in our ways and have lesser and lesser tolerance for things we don't like. Its just as well if we end up avoiding people who bring about a sense of unsettling in you. I have done that and believe me I have no regrets. I feel like a better person :-)
A good friend will also stand by you no matter what. There are people around you who will say I did that because you know, I should have, for her/him. I mean I am sure she/he will do the same for me. You know what, I am not sure if I even like that. Doing something because you think the other person will reciprocate is not a good enough reason for you to do it. Obligations are fine in all other social spheres in life but not in a friendship. Thats just sad. I want to stand by my friend because plain and simple I Want to not because i should or any such thing. At that point I am not going to think about what would happen if roles were reversed or whatever. You have to want to be there and stand by your friend. There is a fine line of distinction here which a lot of people don't realize.

I could go on but I think these things are the mandatory in my list and not subject to compromise :-) They say that friends are so precious because family you are born into but you personally choose your friends and I agree completely.

ps: Just an after thought but something inside me just popped a question about would I /should I still be going around looking for new friends even post wedding. Does your hubby automatically become your closest pal? I agree to a large extent but yeah debatable :-))

Changes Changes

Moral of the day - Joblessness actually motivates you to do things you would usually procrastinate doing :p

Wanted to change the layout for so long, finally got down to doing it today. And guess what, despite all odds, actually managed to change it without screwing up the whole template :-)))

(yea, I am quite liable to do that :p )

Baq!

Back after a very very hectic wedding and yes, very much married now :-)
So, for people who were wondering if I disappeared from the face of this earth, will be bloggin prettty sooon dearies !

Lot of reflection happened pre and post wedding. Some good, some apprehensive but all in all very relevant things to think about.

Will be back with all that and more, till then... cheerios my dears !